Even More Vinyl Road Rage Random Images

Vinyl Road Rage posts have gone from Cleveland to Philly and we’re not done yet! I’ve got a lot of New York City record stores to get through and there are a few posts that haven’t gone up yet from Ohio and Pittsburgh yet to come. New York comes first though–I’ve been posting these in chronological order. In the meantime, here is another collection of Vinyl Road Rage images collected from the trip. There were 1500 photos in all! Not that you’ll see all those here, but I have picked some of the best….

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WTF Bad Album Covers: Static-X Start A War

Our very first WTF bad album cover since Vinyl Road Rage! Don’t worry, there are plenty more Vinyl Road Rage record store review posts coming, but this week we resume our normal posts, too…and WTF bad album covers are piling up all over the place faster than I can write them up and post them.

First I’d like to say that from a visual perspective, I think this band was much better when it was called Alice In Chains. Maybe they THINK they’re Alice In Chains, but one listen to the tracks off this album and you’ll be begging for Layne Staley to dig himself out of the ground and throttle these guys to death with his bare zombified hands.

This is yet another in a long parade of nu metal “mad faces” album covers, but honestly, the cover makes it look like the mad faces are due to the fact that the hair salon won’t take them as walk-in clients rather than some kind of teeno-angst mongering.

I couldn’t figure out what it was that made me think this Static-X album cover is so wretched until I realized that the mad face dude with his mouth open (catching flies, no doubt) makes this cover look an AWFUL LOT like that Devil’s Bris album by Voltaire.

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WTF Album Covers: The Simmons Need the Touch Of God in their Laundry Basket

Richard Dawkins needs no additional proof. When he says “There is no God” he is looking right at THIS ALBUM COVER by The Simmons, who clearly do NOT have the touch of God helping them to pick out their clothes.

The real burning question about this album cover for me is this; how many sofas had to die to make these clothes? And the gents in this picture are clearly in love with safety orange as a fashion statement. Does ANYBODY look good wearing safety orange in a non-ironic way?

This album is another brick in the wall of evidence that there is actually NO INTELLIGENCE responsible for our wretched existence on planet Earth. If there IS a God, he she or it needs to DO something about the people who put out album in her/his/its name. The fashions are atrocious, and if JESUS dresses like this, I’m buying a one-way ticket to the OTHER place. I can’t in good conscience serve a God who lets its followers go out in public like this. I mean REALLY.

–Joe Wallace

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WTF Album Covers: Paul and Paula Horror

This album cover would be TOTALLY vanilla (except for the milkshake) if it weren’t for that look on this dude’s face. I can’t decide what he’s trying to tell his date here. Is he asking if Paula’s ever heard “Back Door Man” by The Doors? Is he suggesting a night of ritual cannibalism and mescaline abuse?

Maybe what’s going on here has more to do with the fact that you can’t see Paul’s OTHER hand in the photograph. But the expression on Paula’s face seems to indicate that whatever he’s doing, it ain’t working. Maybe they should try some poppers first.

Detroit Rock City? As Long As Archer Record Pressing Stays Open

Discovered on the incomparable Analog Apartment, which we love. Please, please, PLEASE, Archer Record Pressing Plant, do not close, EVER. Three minutes of vinyl junkie bliss.

WTF Bad Album Covers: Conway Twitty Wants Your Sweet Ass

Looking at this, it is PAINFULLY obvious that I’ve been picking on the gangta rap and heavy metal genres far too much. I might actually owe Mister Stinky an apology after seeing this winner by Conway Twitty. I nearly typed Conway TWITTER just now, which is a sign of some kind of horrific impending brain malfunction/meltdown, I am sure.

There’s so much wrong going on here that you don’t know which way to run. How much coke do you have to be on to look at this and say, “Yep, that’s MY RECORD and that’s EXACTLY how I wanna look.” Just LOOK at it–this cover makes Conway Twitty look like that creep who backs you into a corner at parties, smelling of Coors and stale cigarettes, asking you when the last time you were with a REAL MAANNN.

And let’s not overlook the title. Say it to yourself out loud to discover just how creepy it sounds to hear “I’ve alllready looooved you..in mah minnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

Yeah, Conway, I’m sure of that. But did I squeal like a pig when it happened?

Vogue Picture Records 1946-1947

I discovered a fascinating blog post at COLOURlovers (a craft blog, not a vinyl blog) called Unusually Colored Vinyl Records. It featured a variety of impressive colored vinyl productions including the Man Or Astroman release, “Your Weight On The Moon” on  glow-in-the-dark vinyl pictured above. But the REAL treasure in this blog post was the mention of some seriously vintage post-war vinyl produced in Detroit by a company called Sav-Way Industries.

The Vogue Picture Discs are amazing for their detail and the instant visual reference to the  post war era when they were made (1946-1947) but the real stunner for me was the visual theme of the Marion Mann track, “You Took Advantage of Me”.

Decades before The Tubes put out Mondo Bondage, here’s a very racy post-war vinyl record implying all sorts of naughty things with this picture. There are some 74 Vogue Picture Record titles in this collection, which you can view more of at the University of California Santa Barbara, but none of them are quite as provocative as this one.

Sure, it COULD be argued that this was an innocent depiction of the song’s theme, but lest we forget, post-war culture in the 40s was filled with double entendres created to titillate and amuse while maintaining “plausible deniability” in a so-called respectable society. Mondo bondage indeed!

–Joe Wallace

Bad Album Covers: Cattle Decapitation Humanure

by Joe Wallace

Maybe it’s not fair to kick a band when its down. After all, Cattle Decapitation is cookie monster metal and at first glance there’s absolutely NO deep thought going on with songs like “Bukkake Tsunami“.  First impression? This is a band not reaaaallly putting a lot of time pondering artistry here from the get-go, so why pick on the poor schmucks for a tastelessy ridiculous album cover?

It’s sort of like yelling at the dog for wanting a bone. He’s just acting like a dog, the poor beast, he can’t help it, and neither can Cattle Decapitation. “Hey guys, let’s call this record Humanure! And on the record we can debate issues of moral relativism, industrial decay and its effects on the human spirit, and perhaps sing a few lines on the merits of boycotting Chilean sea bass. Awww, what the hell, let’s just do another record about poop-eating like we always do.”

Even as a doody joke, the album cover for this just…isn’t…cutting it. Maybe that’s because I keep trying to apply common sense rules about marketing music, album cover aesthetics and using the cover to sell the CONTENTS OF THE RECORD. That’s pretty pointless when dealing with a band writing songs like Cloacula: The Anthropophagic Copromantik. COPROMANTIK?

Who am I kidding with this one? It’s a locker room joke on a 12.5 inch piece of cardboard, nothing more, nothing less. Maybe it’s the cow ass that bugs me. Yeah, that’s it–a totally unnecessary bovine anus depiction right in your spotty little face. Yuck.

***UPDATE*** So on closer inspection, I have to admit that I was a bit unfair in the “No deep thoughts going on here” department–Cattle Decapitation actually do transcend the usual cookie monster rock metal nonsense to make a few social statements…these guys could be considered the cookie monster metal version of Tool  (without the heaping helping of Crowley). But that album cover is still grotty. Cow ass indeed! I modified this post slightly now that I see this band a bit more clearly. … Continue Reading

WTF Album Covers: Geraldine and Ricky

Seriously, what is with the born-again Christians and the puppets? I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less than spend 45 minutes with my hand up a puppet’s ass talking out of the side of my mouth like a third-rate George Raft. And don’t try to tell me this crap is aimed at KIDS–track two on side two is titled “The Liquor Store”. That’s where I’d be spending the meager proceeds from this vinyl abomination if I had ANYTHING to do with it.

You might wonder why I vent my bile on ventriloquists on vinyl with such…passion, until you remember that very NATURE of the ventriloquist act is that you’re supposed to SEE THE DUMMY TALK apparently ON ITS OWN. Like MAGIC. Put these people on a record and the whole point of the ventriloquist act is…well yeah, you get it now.

Like so many other things associated with right wing evangelical Christianity, this makes absolutely ZERO SENSE.

OK, I feel better now.

–Joe Wallace

Mono Stereo 45 RPM Single On and On/Matter of Confusion

I hear some people of a certain age group (hint–I went to college with some of them in the 90s) moaning about how music today isn’t as good (read post-punk enough or new wavey enough or whatever) as it used to be. To which I reply in two parts. Part One: You’ve become your parents, and Part Two, that’s just complete nonsense when faced with delicious vinyl releases like this 45 from Mono Stereo.

This Swedish four piece has its feel planted firmly in the psychedelia/shoegaze mushroom garden, evoking both a retro 60s vibe (with a nice little nod to Ennio Morricone in the middle eight of A Matter of Confusion, intentional or not) AND a bit of the old Ride/MBV thrown in for good measure.

It’s tough to review a modern ‘gazer band without invoking those previous two names, but the comparison is favorable, and I actually find the B side to be the stronger of the two cuts, though I have to admire the production work of the A-side On And On…sounds to these musician/DJ ears like a quite effective sitar simulation was achieved by pairing a banjo and guitar riff togetether…or maybe that IS a sitar and I’m just going deaf. Either way, it’s an effective intro to the track.

Mono Stereo has created a nice thick wall of sound swirling in just the right way. Kudos to them for not only a great release, but also for putting it out on vinyl as the gods intended.

Get your Mono Stereo on with the Vimeo vid below and tell me you don’t want to hear more…I did. Hook up with Mono Stereo on Facebook and be sure to tell ‘em Turntabling sent you.

And that reminds me…I am all too happy to review vinyl releases. Get in touch about yours via jwallace (at) turntabling (dot net).
Joe Wallace