I forget which punk rock album or ad campaign said it first, but I shall paraphrase here. Jerry Falwell is dead and it’s a damn good thing. But before he went, he inflicted this album cover on the unsuspecting public. No, this is NOT an ad sheet for the original Night of the Living Dead, but it would be very easy to mistake this horrid LP cover for such a thing.

Sorry zombie fans, but this is a Jerry Falwell album, and while Falwell is so blinded by religious fervor that he can’t see that the dead are right there in front of his pudgy little face, he wasn’t so giddy on Jesus that he forgot to include a handy explanation of the album for anyone (make that EVERYONE) confused by the album cover. That fine print on the left there explains, “A comprehensive message delivered by Dr. Jerry Falwell” with “beautiful special music” supplied by some other weenie. WTF is “beautiful special music”?

Probably the kind played with an extra dose of hate for those naughty unbelievers and people who laugh loudly at horrible album covers like this. Yeahhhhhh.

–Joe Wallace

First I’d like to say that from a visual perspective, I think this band was much better when it was called Alice In Chains. Maybe they THINK they’re Alice In Chains, but one listen to the tracks off this album and you’ll be begging for Layne Staley to dig himself out of the ground and throttle these guys to death with his bare zombified hands.

This is yet another in a long parade of nu metal “mad faces” album covers, but honestly, the cover makes it look like the mad faces are due to the fact that the hair salon won’t take them as walk-in clients rather than some kind of teeno-angst mongering.

I couldn’t figure out what it was that made me think this Static-X album cover is so wretched until I realized that the mad face dude with his mouth open (catching flies, no doubt) makes this cover look an AWFUL LOT like that Devil’s Bris album by Voltaire.

Richard Dawkins needs no additional proof. When he says “There is no God” he is looking right at THIS ALBUM COVER by The Simmons, who clearly do NOT have the touch of God helping them to pick out their clothes.

The real burning question about this album cover for me is this; how many sofas had to die to make these clothes? And the gents in this picture are clearly in love with safety orange as a fashion statement. Does ANYBODY look good wearing safety orange in a non-ironic way?

This album is another brick in the wall of evidence that there is actually NO INTELLIGENCE responsible for our wretched existence on planet Earth. If there IS a God, he she or it needs to DO something about the people who put out album in her/his/its name. The fashions are atrocious, and if JESUS dresses like this, I’m buying a one-way ticket to the OTHER place. I can’t in good conscience serve a God who lets its followers go out in public like this. I mean REALLY.

–Joe Wallace

This album cover would be TOTALLY vanilla (except for the milkshake) if it weren’t for that look on this dude’s face. I can’t decide what he’s trying to tell his date here. Is he asking if Paula’s ever heard “Back Door Man” by The Doors? Is he suggesting a night of ritual cannibalism and mescaline abuse?

Maybe what’s going on here has more to do with the fact that you can’t see Paul’s OTHER hand in the photograph. But the expression on Paula’s face seems to indicate that whatever he’s doing, it ain’t working. Maybe they should try some poppers first.

Looking at this, it is PAINFULLY obvious that I’ve been picking on the gangta rap and heavy metal genres far too much. I might actually owe Mister Stinky an apology after seeing this winner by Conway Twitty. I nearly typed Conway TWITTER just now, which is a sign of some kind of horrific impending brain malfunction/meltdown, I am sure.

There’s so much wrong going on here that you don’t know which way to run. How much coke do you have to be on to look at this and say, “Yep, that’s MY RECORD and that’s EXACTLY how I wanna look.” Just LOOK at it–this cover makes Conway Twitty look like that creep who backs you into a corner at parties, smelling of Coors and stale cigarettes, asking you when the last time you were with a REAL MAANNN.

And let’s not overlook the title. Say it to yourself out loud to discover just how creepy it sounds to hear “I’ve alllready looooved you..in mah minnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

Yeah, Conway, I’m sure of that. But did I squeal like a pig when it happened?

I discovered a fascinating blog post at COLOURlovers (a craft blog, not a vinyl blog) called Unusually Colored Vinyl Records. It featured a variety of impressive colored vinyl productions including the Man Or Astroman release, “Your Weight On The Moon” on  glow-in-the-dark vinyl pictured above. But the REAL treasure in this blog post was the mention of some seriously vintage post-war vinyl produced in Detroit by a company called Sav-Way Industries.

The Vogue Picture Discs are amazing for their detail and the instant visual reference to the  post war era when they were made (1946-1947) but the real stunner for me was the visual theme of the Marion Mann track, “You Took Advantage of Me”.

Decades before The Tubes put out Mondo Bondage, here’s a very racy post-war vinyl record implying all sorts of naughty things with this picture. There are some 74 Vogue Picture Record titles in this collection, which you can view more of at the University of California Santa Barbara, but none of them are quite as provocative as this one.

Sure, it COULD be argued that this was an innocent depiction of the song’s theme, but lest we forget, post-war culture in the 40s was filled with double entendres created to titillate and amuse while maintaining “plausible deniability” in a so-called respectable society. Mondo bondage indeed!

–Joe Wallace

by Joe Wallace

Maybe it’s not fair to kick a band when its down. After all, Cattle Decapitation is cookie monster metal and at first glance there’s absolutely NO deep thought going on with songs like “Bukkake Tsunami“.  First impression? This is a band not reaaaallly putting a lot of time pondering artistry here from the get-go, so why pick on the poor schmucks for a tastelessy ridiculous album cover?

It’s sort of like yelling at the dog for wanting a bone. He’s just acting like a dog, the poor beast, he can’t help it, and neither can Cattle Decapitation. “Hey guys, let’s call this record Humanure! And on the record we can debate issues of moral relativism, industrial decay and its effects on the human spirit, and perhaps sing a few lines on the merits of boycotting Chilean sea bass. Awww, what the hell, let’s just do another record about poop-eating like we always do.”

Even as a doody joke, the album cover for this just…isn’t…cutting it. Maybe that’s because I keep trying to apply common sense rules about marketing music, album cover aesthetics and using the cover to sell the CONTENTS OF THE RECORD. That’s pretty pointless when dealing with a band writing songs like Cloacula: The Anthropophagic Copromantik. COPROMANTIK?

Who am I kidding with this one? It’s a locker room joke on a 12.5 inch piece of cardboard, nothing more, nothing less. Maybe it’s the cow ass that bugs me. Yeah, that’s it–a totally unnecessary bovine anus depiction right in your spotty little face. Yuck.

***UPDATE*** So on closer inspection, I have to admit that I was a bit unfair in the “No deep thoughts going on here” department–Cattle Decapitation actually do transcend the usual cookie monster rock metal nonsense to make a few social statements…these guys could be considered the cookie monster metal version of Tool  (without the heaping helping of Crowley). But that album cover is still grotty. Cow ass indeed! I modified this post slightly now that I see this band a bit more clearly.

Seriously, what is with the born-again Christians and the puppets? I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less than spend 45 minutes with my hand up a puppet’s ass talking out of the side of my mouth like a third-rate George Raft. And don’t try to tell me this crap is aimed at KIDS–track two on side two is titled “The Liquor Store”. That’s where I’d be spending the meager proceeds from this vinyl abomination if I had ANYTHING to do with it.

You might wonder why I vent my bile on ventriloquists on vinyl with such…passion, until you remember that very NATURE of the ventriloquist act is that you’re supposed to SEE THE DUMMY TALK apparently ON ITS OWN. Like MAGIC. Put these people on a record and the whole point of the ventriloquist act is…well yeah, you get it now.

Like so many other things associated with right wing evangelical Christianity, this makes absolutely ZERO SENSE.

OK, I feel better now.

–Joe Wallace

The real mystery behind this bad album cover is why anyone thought it would be a good idea to market the music on the album using THIS IMAGE. Since a plenty of Fleetwood Mac albums in the catalog featured members of the band on the cover, one can only assume that aesthetic is also represented here somehow. But which band member is depicted here?

Could it be a snide jab at Stevie Nicks? Or maybe that this gorilla looks a little tiny bit like Mick Fleetwood isn’t a coincidence. Regardless, file this one under “What were they thinking?” or maybe even, “We have an artist friend.” Friends don’t let friends design album covers for friend bands.

The best part about all of these books–and the most telling–are their sections about “backwards masking”. This delightfully hysterical non-crisis was generated by preachers who spent a good deal of time turning records backwards on their turntables, listening for the Devil’s messages.

Even better-the right wing hysteria made bands get into the act and perpetrate their own actual, for-real backwards masking messages. Did they do it just to screw with the Christies? ELO not once, but TWICE threw a bone to the Bob Larsons of the world with the albums Eldorado and Secret Messages. Kiss’s Gene Simmons–then seemingly eager to bait Christians into some new madness– recorded some backwards messages on his solo record. There were plenty of others, to be sure.

Well, now that I’ve purchased an Audio-Technica AT LP 120 USB turntable, I’ve taken to revisiting some of these hilariously wrong-headed books. (I was all about them when I was in high school for vastly different reasons–caught up in my own small town religious kookiness–don’t worry, I got better).

See, the Audio Technica AT LP120 turntable has a delightful function–it plays in reverse, no finger-turning needed to uncover those Satanic messages. I plan to go through the whole of my catalog to listen for the Devil’s commands…I thought I’d start off by listening to Eno’s Music For Airports and work my way to the first Air LP.

Yeah, those records are all instrumentals. But Satan is a TRICKSTER, you see. He could have hidden messages in there backwards ANYWAY. And that’s the same kind of logic you’ll find waiting for you in ANY of those book titles displayed here.

If you’ve never read these books, I strongly urge you to do so…if for no other reason than to see the minds at work behind yesterday’s goofy right wing thinking. Which is pretty much the SAME thinking at work in TODAY’S goofy right wing thinking.

Don’t believe me? Check THIS crap out:

This website is called Dial-the-Truth Ministries. In addition to being grossed out by their anti-Obama hysteria and general Bronze Age fire and brimstone stupidity, can I REALLY be the only person who sees the disconnect in a WEBSITE called DIAL the Truth? I think not. But it never occurred to THEM, apparently.

Here’s a total howler of a site with a page called Satan’s Music. Prince, Queen, and apparently for some reason the Dixie Chicks are all apparently in service of Our Dark Lord Lucifer. Even the cute one.

Did you know that Emo is unethical for born againers to listen to? Oh yes, kiddies. You are all going to kill yourselves now.

Those are only three examples. Share your own in the comments section, and don’t forget kids…YANKEE ROSE.