Vinyl Road Rage–Austin and Beyond

by Joe Wallace

Brain fried from far too much driving. Here’s a gallery of images I’ve collected along the way, with some snarky commentary free of charge. I have gathered these images between Springfield, Illinois and San Antonio, Texas–and I’ve paid the price, let me tell you–my retinas are seared for life in some cases.

The name of this John Denver Album, in case you can’t read the type, is “I Want To Live”. Sorry matey, but you should have taken the bus.

I love this album cover. He looks like one of those plastinated dead bodies currently causing all the fuss on the museums. The bananas don’t look plastinated, though. Just very ripe.

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Seriously Bad Album Covers

We here at Turntabling are proud of the little collection of WTF album covers, but Nick DiFonzo’s book really takes the cake. Seriously Bad Album Covers displays 50 years and over 250 pages worth of the worst album covers ever. This import features a whopping 225 covers with a variety of wretched concepts, butt-ugly musicians and rotten excesses. Any vinyl junkie should add this to their collection of vinyl-related ephemera. This is hours and hours of entertainment just waiting to be had.

One day we are hoping that Taschen dedicates one of their luxuriously assembled editions to awful art, but until then this tome is probably THE authority on crapola covers.

WTF: Denmark Vs. Sweden

Crap album art isn’t always about the thing itself. Sometimes a merely nauseating album cover can reach dizzying new lows when compared side-by-side to equally barf inducing artwork. Submitted for your approval, all the way from Denmark–the cover of Laid Back’s Keep Smiling album. This isn’t the most rotten thing ever made, but let’s call this artwork…uninspired:

Now compare it to the utterly goofy and craptacular cover for this Swedish nonsense– Kjell Kraghe’s Vind I Seglen. This album cover takes the seafaring them to a similarly fucktarded new low. We’re faced with a serious chicken-and-egg question here. Which wretched cover came first? Was this some kind of harmonic convergence of dumbass graphic design? Or was somebody thinking, “No way is that OTHER windmill-and-wooden-shoes country going to show US up in the dumbass graphics department!”

This album cover reminds me of Beavis and Butthead episode where Butthead delivers a stunning critique of a bad 90s music video by merely uttering the phrase, “Look at his FACE!” That’s all we really need to say here, isn’t it? Except those two sails placed so perfectly in symmetry next to this hambone Ricky Schroeder lookalike makes it appear this guy has some kind of freakish protruberances connected to that suit of his. 

So perhaps these are both, on their own,  merely lame-o record covers. But viewed side by side they give me the horrors. We know Sweden and Denmark are capable of better than this…but then again, we haven’t even started looking at the bad death metal album covers from these two countries. Just you wait, this stuff looks tame (well, it IS tame) by comparison.

WTF: Porter Wagoner’s The Bottom of the Bottle

Porter Wagoner may have been one of the legends of country music, but the dudes who approved the artwork for his records were clearly smoking Jimson weed for this one. Just WTF is going on with this picture, anyway?

Wagoner looks like he’s contemplating drinking this rotgut in spite of the fact that there’s a little man inside. “Hey Porter, over here! Look, you don’t wanna drink this. I just wee’d inside this bottle and it smells like a homeless shelter. Fer chrissakes, Porter…DON’T DRINK MEEEEEEEEE!”

The expression on Porter Wagoner’s face is priceless. It’s a cross between “Goddamn, I really want to tie one on here,” and “I wonder if free will is an artificial construct of the human mind or if it’s a crucial part of what makes our all-too-brief existence what it is?”

Or perhaps it’s kidney stones.

DJ Essentials Tools and Tricks of the Trade

Becoming a DJ isn’t easy, but fortunately for newcomers there are a lot of books available that can help you learn exactly what it takes to be a professional DJ. You can learn everything from the art of remixing to buying the right gear thanks to the books on sale right this very second. I was VERY AMUSED to see what was on just such a list recently..apparently buying the right gear and spinning those tracks to please the crowds ain’t enough. I found a collection of books on DJ culture while doing a search on Amazon.com. What does Amazon reccomend for those seeking tomes on how to become a paid DJ professional? Behold:

The DJ Sales and Marketing Handbook starts off the list. So far, so good, right? Learn how to set up and get paid to party! That’s what author Stacy Zemon wants you to do. Why the hell not? Now granted, being a club DJ is alot different than being a MOBILE DJ, but a lot of people find the party DJ route easier to get into and they transition to clubs later. Not a bad career path if you ask me…

The Complete Guide To Remixing is probably a good bet, as long as you’re buying DJ how to books. After all, what good’s a DJ who can’t remix on the fly?

Then, there’s THIS little entry in the Amazon list of books, which surprised me on one hand, but on the other, I thought “Well damn, I guess I have some book ordering to do.” Apparently, the Amazon people understand DJ culture better than you might think:

And yes, How To Grow Exceptional Cannabis is STILL FOR SALE. Hurry, now.

Top 10 Reasons Vinyl Records are Better Than MP3 Downloads

Vinyl records vs. MP3s? I own them both. Why are album versions of records better than their MP3 counterparts? The digital Black Flag vs. the original SST Black Flag recordings? Naked Raygun on your iPod shouldn’t sound much different than the vinyl record of the same album, right? Can you find Big Black on MP3? Here’s a a little list:

10.  You can’t accidentally delete a vinyl record. However, your cat may urinate on it. That won’t affect playback…unless you have friends over.

9. You don’t get the nice big cover art off an MP3 download. This doesn’t matter much for modern releases, but for those old, elaborate LP releases or soundtracks to sexy Italian horror and “sexual awakening” movies, big covers are nice. Especially for those Piero Umiliani soundtracks. There’s nothing more fun than a cheesy sexy 60s era album cover, is there?

8. Nobody tries to sue you for making a CD-R burn of some old dusty record in your collection. They’d love to try, but the RIAA would get laughed out of court faster than Rod Blagojevich proclaiming his innocence. Nice try.

7. Unlike an MP3, you can shatter a vinyl record and use the pieces to gash somebody in face when they make fun of your pants.

6. In Shaun Of The Dead, the heroes tried to kill zombies using 12-inch singles. Try doing that with an iPod and you’ll join the ranks of the undead faster than a screaming teenage girl in a filmy white nightgown.

5. George Carlin comedy albums just plain SOUND BETTER on vinyl.

4. You can actually clean a record album with soap and water. You can clean an iPod by…BUYING A NEW ONE.

3. Stores with high theft issues should stock vinyl. You can hide an MP3 player in any body cavity. An album tends to stick out of the most obvious places. Painful, too.

2. Vinyl records are better than MP3s because you can play them backwards and get the messages Satan wants you to hear. Try doing THAT with a downloaded version of Ashford & Simpson’s “Solid as a Rock”.

1. When you get bored, you can safely microwave an LP, put it on the turntable and play it for laughs. Put an MP3 player in the microwave and it will explode. Need we say more?