What a long strange vinyl bughunt it has been…From Chicago to San Antonio, I am now halfway through the driving insanity. Tuesday is OKC and Dallas…maybe even Denton if I feel REALLY sexy. I might just, after the stuff I was hearing all around me today at the record emporiums.

The following was overheard in one of the record shops I hit today–people with cell phones talking very loudly never know when they’re going to get their 15 minutes of fame. But when people are practically shouting this crap in your ear, it deserves a second go.

“Yaww, yew jist pour it in yore pee. Maik shore thu kristles are all, you know, like, dissolved and all or you’ll fail the teyust.” It was a 50-something woman who looked like an office drone. She sounded like a backwoods Tim Leary.

Then, ten minutes later, a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON on the phone. “Yah, yah, you just pour the little envelope of crystals into your pee. Look to see if it changes color. You only go about three ounces of pee anyway, don’t worry about it!”

In Springfield, Missouri, we now know people like to put additives in their pee. Should I ever go back there?

And then…

Oh, but she looks far too INTO having that puppet so near…where is her OTHER hand?

But wait, there’s more. Just in case you hadn’t quite finished playing a game of canasta with the Moosehead Lodge brothers, here come Herb Alpert to trumpet you TO DEATH. That sticker boldly proclaims that this is the very very FIRSTEST TIME IN THE WHOLE OF FOREVER that A Taste of Honey has been released as a picture disc. I’m touching myself even as I write this, I am so excited about the idea of this picture disc EVEN EXISTING. A bargain at twice the price, eh Eugene? Yeah, daddy-o. Let’s take the Galaxy 500 for a spin to the malt shop. No, wait, wrong culture. Martinis, everybody?

Just when you thought it was safe to fire up the record player, another face from the past comes back at you like a spoiled cinema hotdog. I’m so tired from driving that I can only hope that last line made as much sense to you as it currently does to me.

I still owe record shop reviews a plenty. Vinyl Exchange, CD Warehouse in Springfield, MO and tomorrow’s Guest Room Records invasion. Brace yourself.