Sometimes no commentary on a brain-slappingly odd album cover is needed. I do, however, have one question: Is that a U.S. Postal Service tattoo he’s sporting there above the “Smoke Smoke Smoke” text? Beee-Zarrrrrrh.

–Joe Wallace

I’m not saying a DAMN THING about this one. Do I really need to? Times like these I wish I could turn off the non-stop Beavis and Butthead episode playing in my brain, but I can’t, OK? Just snicker along with me and let’s call it a day and nobody make the joke about playing this album only once per month. Effing tasteless.

You have to wade through a lot of mediocrity to find real gems of awfulness. But when you do finally spot a brain shatteringly bad album cover, there’s a part of your soul that leaps for joy. And there was some handsprings going on today with the discovery of Riot’s Narita LP, truly one of the most deliciously shitty things we’ve found in a long time.

Beavis and Butthead once made fun of a Edie Brickell video, Butthead muttering,  “She’s pinching a loaf!” as Brickell crouched on the ground to sing. That’s exactly what echoes through the mind when gazing upon this miserable pimento loaf of an album cover. It looks like this mutant wrestler/mammal thing is crapping out skeletons as its being buzzed by an 80s era cargo plane.

Who can tell what was going through the minds of the art department on this? No, wait, we can guess. Copious amounts of THC and Budweiser. That’s the only way I can see this one getting approved. You might be forgiven for being fooled into thinking that Riot is some kind of Japanese metal band ala Loudness or X (Japan) unless you’ve actually heard this LP, but these lads are homegrown westerns with a bad sense of art direction.

“Hey guys! I have this awesome idea for the next album cover! A ferret-faced sumo wrestler that craps out skeletons along the flight path of cargo aircraft. We can call this record “Narita” after that airport near Tokyo. You know, the one we’re never going to see because this album’s going to tank big time once people see the cover? Yeah, let’s do it for ROCK AND ROOLLLLLLLLLL.”

Rap once again snatches the bad album cover artwork spotlight away from Southern Gospel warblers, heavy metal lunkheads, and singer/songwriters. What a misguided pile of conceptual sludge this cover is! Let’s start with the idea that this guy’s rapper name is Big Bear. He’s surrounded by bears, but expects us to infer that he–the only non-bear in the photograph–is actually Big Bear. Ok. Thanks for that. It’s a stretch, but after about ten minutes of thinking about it, wee get it now. You aren’t ACTUALLY a bear that found itself in possession of a working set of vocal chords.

Gotcha.

What is up with the stupid crap everyone is WEARING in this photograph? Is Big Bear wearing an ASCOT? What gives?

I thought this whole hardcore rapper “livin’ the life” image campaign was about being seen to be working out in the gym, getting tats and riding around in a car with deliberately induced suspension problems, not wearing ASCOTS in PUBLIC. Maybe the ascot is making a comeback along with polyester flares and collars so large you could go hang gliding. Keep your fingers crossed.

But let’s not forget the herculean amount of effort that went into coming up with that album title. Hey guys, guess what? I quit my job, bought all this gear, and am taking the leap! I’m going to be a rapper FULL TIME! I even have an ALBUM OUT! What’s it called? This masterpiece of Swiftian wit and repartee? The name of my brand new masterpiece which I have invested my blood, sweat and tears into?

Doin Thangs.

Buy one now, kids–this genius is the da Vinci of the dance floor.

There’s so much wrong going on here it’s impossible to know where to begin. For starters, the album is by Willie Sutherland. So which one is Willie? They BOTH look like they just got out of an afternoon of shock therapy to cure them of “unfortunate tendencies” towards unchurchly behavior–probably attending R rated movies or wearing provacative beachwear. Can you picture either one of these yokels wearing a speedo? Perish the very idea.

And what’s with the TIES? Are we getting this album done between shifts working for Col. Sanders or what?

Then there’s the inclusion of the child, precariously wobbling on the pew, waiting for the inevitable head injury. Count your blessings? You mean like being able to get this photo snapped before the tragedy? The worst part of ALL this is the track list. It’s nothing but a bunch of copyright free church hymns you’re already forced to sing every Sunday if you’re goofy enough to haul your ass out of bed to hang out with these dorks. So what’s the incentive to BUY this record?

My favorite part about this cover? The sunglasses. I don’t know why, but it makes me think of Twin Peaks–the Horne brothers scheming away at One-Eyed Jacks. Just look at that smarmy face, already thinking about things far away from this awful album cover. Maybe reposessing a trailer house or sneaking off to to naughty things to the 17-year old prom queen working at the Tastee Freeze.

I found this amazing little oddity referenced at The Walrus. It’s a CD cover for an album by Moldover which is–I am certain–the first of its kind. The artwork is actually a circuit board that is a working theremin. No cheesy toy, this–there is an explanation video showing the theremin/CD art at work and it sounds FANTASTIC. I am stunned by how great this is–a great marketing gimmick that is also a no BS musical instrument. Both retro and future at the same time, this wins hands down as the coolest thing I’ve seen all year in terms of indie music innovation.

Sometimes I run across others on the web who collect wretched albums or, at the very least, the godawful art that disgraces the covers of those LPs. My newest find is LP Cover Lover, and my only gripe with this site is that you can’t listen to the awfulness, you can only look.

The amount of cluelessness on display with THIS particular album is staggering. Just look at that gravity-defying hair! In spite of the TWO bibles on display on this LP cover, I find Mattie McFerrin sending mixed messages. Is that some kind of backwoods “come hither” look she’s giving us here? And check out the threads on this Bible studyin’ throwback of love…she’s got her shirt partially unbuttoned in a wanton display of sexual abandon matched only by the vest, which has even MORE buttons unfastened…trying to lure young devotees to her study with her sexually charged musical gyrations, no doubt.

Keep a lamp shining bright, if only so Mattie McFerrin can do a slow, religious striptease for the flock…this Christly cougar is on the prowl!