Tag Archives: WTF album covers

WTF Album Covers: Explaining Sex To Your Little Girl

WTF album covers explaining sexFor a start, any vinyl record that presumes to teach you something about sex already has a lot working against it…but throw a creepy/pervo Norman Rockwell vibe into the mix with the cover art and you have WTF gold. And look at that cup of coffee she’s got there…whatever she’s learning from that record, she’ll be up all night thinking about it.

I discovered this one at the similarly WTF-n-vintage-obsessed Vintage Everyday blog. Good stuff there…and a lot of it!

–Joe Wallace

 

Bad Album Covers: Lionel Blair Aerobic Dancing

Lionel Blair Aerobic Dancing WTF album coversThere’s a combination of horrors on this album cover which all add up to WTF. At first glance I didn’t think this record artwork was SO very bad–it seems to be a typically cheesy 80s record. But the more I looked at it, the more I realized how much I was falling in love with its sheer awfulness.

The five-o’clock shadow on his goofy grinning face, the utterly horrifying white shorts (which seem to hint that they aren’t used to being on…for very long) and that enormous HELMET of hair…throw those tube socks into the mix and you have one great big ol’ WTF album cover.

P.S. HOW does ANYBODY do aerobics to the ET theme song?

–Joe Wallace

WTF Album Cover Vs. House of Whipcord

I’ve been staring at this album cover for quite some time trying to remember what it reminded me of…

I have never listened to Come to The Chapel, but I can only imagine that it’s totally dreadful–LOOK at this and try to convince someone, anyone, that it’s worth five seconds of needle-drop time. Just TRY.

But that’s besides the point. I could NOT get it out of my head what it was this LP cover was reminding me of in all its wretched glory. And then it popped into my head like the distant drunken memory of touching a party guest inappropriately after one too many glasses of wine…

This album cover is creepily reminiscent of Peter Walker’s 70s Brit-sploitation magnum opus House Of Whipcord.

If you’ve never seen the film, that reference will mean NOTHING to you…but if you HAVE seen House of Whipcord, doesn’t this poor old born-again crooner lady bear the faintest resemblance to the creepy whip-loving matron of the private dungeon in the Pete Walker flick?

She just projects the VIBE of someone who would be inclined to keep “wayward girls” locked up in an illegal detention center waiting for the chance to put ’em on trial or lay down the whip, either way.

If you have not seen the movie, you owe yourself a look at this obscure 70s retro classic of Brit moral terror. Click the pic to go buy it right this effing instant from Amazon.com.

–Joe Wallace

WTF Album Covers Kids’ Corner

For some reason, WTF album art gets SUPER, er, WTF-y, when it comes to albums for and about children. Special thanks to BizarreRecords.com for two of these gems which should terrify any and everyone.

Has this guy been arrested yet?

Let’s see if this concept is understood properly. An adult male who has never been married, or is active sexually is going to…teach your kids about sex. Or teach YOU how to teach them. Not only that, the adult male in question looks like a clueless berk who just got out of a minimum security prison for forging postage stamps.

It is NEVER safe to assume that an album cover with a puppet on it is a children’s record. It’s been said before and it’s getting repeated here; if half of the whole point of the ventriloquist act is to do tricks where it looks like the dummy is talking and not the human, WHY DO A RECORD? Never mind. Just revel in the delicious awfulness.

Has THIS guy been arrested yet?

 

WTF Album Covers: Semargl Satanic Pop Metal

Run that by me again–Satanic Pop Metal? What? Not having heard any of this album, the title brings to mind some kind of unholy combination of New Kids On The Block and Grim Reaper.

It’s unclear what a woman’s buttocks have to do with Satan or pop metal, except perhaps as an overt statement that sexism still sells metal records. Not that album covers have to be nudity-free, not by any stretch of the imagination, but where metal records are concerned, you might just be able to say there’s a bit of a track record of paternalistic nonsense. As in, the metal genre can be as much as much of a testosterone-fueled sausage fest as any college football game.

I can already hear the wails of protest coming from Mom’s basement on this one, but I ask you, my corpsepaint loving metalhead complainers, to please refer me to a SINGLE gay-themed heavy metal outfit that could act as a counterbalance to all this?

Rob Halford doesn’t count–I’m talking about the EQUIVALENT to something along the lines of the above album cover, not just a band that HAPPENS to have a non-heterosexual in it. I’m waiting. An openly gay death metal band would be a huge blast of fresh air here–something unique, at long last! AND actually genuinely rebellious to boot. Maybe there’s a whole army of ’em and I’m just behind the times? I’d love to know. Seriously.

Why am I on about all this? It’s the same reason I was so totally into the idea of Gangstagrass–hip hop mashed up with bluegrass music. Could there ever be a collision of styles that traditionalists on both sides of these musical fences would hate MORE? How totally awesome–and again, TRULY rebellious and not just a bit of half-ass fakery. But I’m rambling here. This album cover on its own merits is dopey enough without all the subtext. I mean, just LOOK at it…

–Joe Wallace

A Triple Dose of WTF

Seriously, people, what’s up with the matching outfits? If you stare at these facial expressions long enough, you might be able to detect a note of “HELP ME” in their eyes. Were these people HOSTAGES?

The word “Polka” on the title should be enough to send any sensible person screaming down the street begging for a bullet to offer merciful release from the utter terror and sonic torture that is an entire LP full of the damn things. But somehow enough polka records sold to justify producing even more. Can someone PLEASE explain what it is about the polka that makes people sit down and listen to records like this without any threat of punishment whatsoever?

And speaking of punishment…

“Um, heh heh, huh huh, yeah. It’s like, you know, METAL. And it’s like, huh huh, a WOLF. Heh heh, huh huh. Heh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Metal. Heh. Wolf. The only thing that would make this album cover any COOLER is if there were some TURDS on it. Heh heh, huh huh. Cuz that would RULE.”