WTF Album Covers Kids’ Corner

For some reason, WTF album art gets SUPER, er, WTF-y, when it comes to albums for and about children. Special thanks to BizarreRecords.com for two of these gems which should terrify any and everyone.

Has this guy been arrested yet?

Let’s see if this concept is understood properly. An adult male who has never been married, or is active sexually is going to…teach your kids about sex. Or teach YOU how to teach them. Not only that, the adult male in question looks like a clueless berk who just got out of a minimum security prison for forging postage stamps.

It is NEVER safe to assume that an album cover with a puppet on it is a children’s record. It’s been said before and it’s getting repeated here; if half of the whole point of the ventriloquist act is to do tricks where it looks like the dummy is talking and not the human, WHY DO A RECORD? Never mind. Just revel in the delicious awfulness.

Has THIS guy been arrested yet?

WTF Album Covers: Keyboards Triangle

There really is NO EXCUSE for how atrocious this album cover is. If the primary, overriding objective of an album cover is to make you interested in purchasing the album, the only thing this little wretched thing is good for is appealing to that fractional amount of music consumers who have a voracious, never-satisfied sexual fetish for knitwear:

A Triple Dose of WTF

Seriously, people, what’s up with the matching outfits? If you stare at these facial expressions long enough, you might be able to detect a note of “HELP ME” in their eyes. Were these people HOSTAGES?

The word “Polka” on the title should be enough to send any sensible person screaming down the street begging for a bullet to offer merciful release from the utter terror and sonic torture that is an entire LP full of the damn things. But somehow enough polka records sold to justify producing even more. Can someone PLEASE explain what it is about the polka that makes people sit down and listen to records like this without any threat of punishment whatsoever?

And speaking of punishment…

“Um, heh heh, huh huh, yeah. It’s like, you know, METAL. And it’s like, huh huh, a WOLF. Heh heh, huh huh. Heh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Metal. Heh. Wolf. The only thing that would make this album cover any COOLER is if there were some TURDS on it. Heh heh, huh huh. Cuz that would RULE.”

WTF Records: Emphasis on Nut?

Sure, the title is supposed to be a riff on nutrition, but it’s more fun to intentionally misconstrue it as some kind of bad-taste insanity thing. Plus there’s a slightly creepy photo montage optical illusion going on in this pic that makes it seem a lot dirtier than it really is.

Read The Label

I found this at SteveCarter.com, and while the first-glance impression of this Wayne Newton LP cover is funny enough all by itself, reading the label of the LP makes the image even more priceless:

If the writing on the LP is too small for you even with your bifocals on, (and it IS too small, for sure) you will be amused/revolted to know that the LP title is “Bowel And Bladder Training”. I really, really, REALLY don’t want to know, but feel compelled to own this just the same.

And if you REALLY NEED a vinyl record to tell you about bowel and bladder training (whatever that is) I weep for you. Truly.

–Joe Wallace

WTF Records: Frank Valdor Dynamic Party Sound

Yet another record I was foolishly prepared to dislike at based on some of the marketing art–a man seated with his trombone coming at you like Dirty Harry’s 44 Magnum–I’m actually about to purchase the Frank Valdor Dynamic Party Sound LP because the tracks are so fantastically retro-lava-lamp-swinging-hepcat-organ-groovy.

I discovered this at the wonderful blog, PCL Linkdump, which also had a Youtube clip that hooked me pretty good. It’s just a shame that the track below the next image is NOT on that album…but if the rest sounds anything like this, the retro junkie in me is hooked.

 
–Joe Wallace

WTF Album Covers: Lil’ Wayne Tha Carter IV

Seriously?

Oh, the prison tats on the little kid…I’m sure SOMEBODY thought that was CUTE. How cute is it? Well, let’s see what that bastion of accuracy Wikipedia has to say:

“The teardrop tattoo or tear tattoo is a symbolic tattoo that is placed underneath the eye. It has no fixed meaning but almost all meanings have some connection to prison. In the United States, it can mean the wearer has killed someone and the number of teardrops may indicate the number of killings. It can also indicate the number of years served in prison or the loss of a loved one or fellow gang member.

In at least one prison, (Oaxaca State) it indicates that the wearer was raped in prison.”

Ohhhhhh dear.

WTF Album Covers: Mew And The Glass Handed Kites

The WTF factor on this album art by Mew is so high that you might get a nosebleed while contemplating its awfulness. Fortunately for this band, the music itself does not choke the way the cover does.

And The Glass Handed Kits features music that sounds a bit like a more pop-oriented (and less uber-trippy) Gang Gang Dance. There’s an epic quality to many of the tracks on this record that are totally misrepresented by this violently awful cover. Though it has to be said, they manage to veer excruciatingly off into Neil Young “Harvest” territory at times…and do we really need anybody besides Neil Young warbling away like that? Er, not realllllly.

Ignore the cover and try to head toward the experimental pop portions of this Mew record. You can preview bits of all tracks at the Mew And The Glass Handed Kites Amazon page.