Sometime between Brian Austin Green’s turn on the horrifically dull Beverly Hills 90210 and the show’s cancellation, Green decided to go into a recording studio. He dropped his pants, squatted over a microphone, and pinched out the steaming atrocity you see before you.

“One Stop Carnival” is every bit as dull as 90210, but with the added wannabe pastiche of white boy hip hop thrown in for good measure. Green–or his record label minders–apparently thought that substituting “da” for “the” on every other song title would add some street cred to this flushable collection of me-too beats and lame-ass rhyming.

On the opening track, Green leaps into his Captain Lame-Ass act as hard as he can in the first 30 seconds, blurting out “Yeah man…she was fat, but I ain’t gonna tell my friends…” and “Hey, yo…HOWS IT GOIN’?”

One-record-wonder Green even has the gall to include a track critical of the music industry. That’s a sign of defiance in many cases (reference the Sex Pistols one and only full length studio record from the original glory days of UK punk) but for One Stop Carnival, it’s a definite sign of trouble akin to having your movie directed by Alan Smithee.

And while we’re examining this dead cockroach up close, how about that album cover? Green was clearly going for some kind of Henry Rollins/Ice-T scowl, but instead he comes across in dire need of some stewed prunes.

And yes, believe it or not, this actually did make it to vinyl–at least according to Discogs.com. It was mostly distributed on CD and poor unfortunates who feel an overpowering urge can download this on MP3, but a “sampler” LP was put out as a promo of some kind back in ’96 when this stinking pile was dumped onto an unsuspecting public.