The very name Yanni conjures several feelings at once. Instant nausea combined with a desire to kill are just two of the many things you’ll experience, but the most compelling symptom  of Yanni exposure is sudden paralysis because you can’t decide what to do first–yank the stereo power cord out of the wall socket, smash the CD player, or just shoot yourself in the face.

But Yanni isn’t just a hopeless noise polluter, oh no…he also has designs on your eyeballs, too. Just look at the utterly horrid image above–a combination of the worst of the Journey album concepts with an equally barf-inducing new age sensibility that screams, “Let me massage your ass chakras now using this vibrating beef tenderizer.”
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But Yanni doesn’t stop there. Someone must have told him the new age, earth fart artwork wasn’t boosting sales because there’s a big rash of CDs with this dude’s face all over them. Yanni simply MUST know his mug has a distinct air of bad 70s Italian crime movie stereotypes–he’s either the pimp that gets the crap beaten out of him in reel two or the henchman with bad aim killed in the final shootout.

Plus, Yanni seems to be trying hard to look like somebody else. This album, for example, should be retitled, “Don’t Call Me Oates.”

Here’s one where Yanni looks suspiciously like a 20-year old hippie Mike Ditka:

And who could forget Yanni looking like he wants to audition for Mark Harmon’s job on NCIS?

Yanni has tormented us long enough. It’s time for him to retreat to the safety of an A&R gig looking for the next wave of excessively hairy, awful synth-twiddling pan-pipes playing doofuses who wear see-thru muslin shirts, outerwear made solely of hemp, and embroidered pants.