Brace yourself.

There are three really awful things going on in this photograph. #1- Donny Osmond is wearing a cape. #2, he’s also wearing flared trousers. #3–Donny Osmond is wearing a FRICKIN CAPE.

Why were so many singers obsessed with trains in the 70s?Donny Osmond isn’t the only one, there’s a ton of singles featuring the locomotive; Love Train, City of New Orleans, Train in Vain, you name it…people, there are OTHER MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION TO SING ABOUT. Enough with the damn trains already. Nobody writes a ballad about a unicycle or a pair of rollerblades, do they? No. They write about bleedin’ TRAINS.

Donny here wants to simultaneously derail a train and kill all the passengers AND destroy this Elton-John-wet-dream piano in the process. This photograph is clearly an indication that Donny Osmond is predisposed to domestic terrorism and he should be investigated by the FBI and the TSA.

But I keep coming back to THE CAPE. Why? It’s bad enough that Donny Osmond has another record out, but the cape really tears it for me. “Does Liberace know you’re raiding his wardrobe?”

Fortunately, I don’t have to LISTEN to these damn records, just look at the covers–that’s goofy enough.