WTF Album Covers Kids’ Corner

For some reason, WTF album art gets SUPER, er, WTF-y, when it comes to albums for and about children. Special thanks to BizarreRecords.com for two of these gems which should terrify any and everyone.

Has this guy been arrested yet?

Let’s see if this concept is understood properly. An adult male who has never been married, or is active sexually is going to…teach your kids about sex. Or teach YOU how to teach them. Not only that, the adult male in question looks like a clueless berk who just got out of a minimum security prison for forging postage stamps.

It is NEVER safe to assume that an album cover with a puppet on it is a children’s record. It’s been said before and it’s getting repeated here; if half of the whole point of the ventriloquist act is to do tricks where it looks like the dummy is talking and not the human, WHY DO A RECORD? Never mind. Just revel in the delicious awfulness.

Has THIS guy been arrested yet?

WTF Album Covers: Keyboards Triangle

There really is NO EXCUSE for how atrocious this album cover is. If the primary, overriding objective of an album cover is to make you interested in purchasing the album, the only thing this little wretched thing is good for is appealing to that fractional amount of music consumers who have a voracious, never-satisfied sexual fetish for knitwear:

WTF Album Covers: Johnny Guitar Watson

You’re reeling so hard from the sheer WTF’edness of this album cover by Johnny Guitar Watson that you won’t get the visual pun. Like those magic 3-D posters that were so popular(?) in the 90s, if you stare at it long enough, you’ll see. Not that you really need to. Or want to. Or want to need to…

A Triple Dose of WTF

Seriously, people, what’s up with the matching outfits? If you stare at these facial expressions long enough, you might be able to detect a note of “HELP ME” in their eyes. Were these people HOSTAGES?

The word “Polka” on the title should be enough to send any sensible person screaming down the street begging for a bullet to offer merciful release from the utter terror and sonic torture that is an entire LP full of the damn things. But somehow enough polka records sold to justify producing even more. Can someone PLEASE explain what it is about the polka that makes people sit down and listen to records like this without any threat of punishment whatsoever?

And speaking of punishment…

“Um, heh heh, huh huh, yeah. It’s like, you know, METAL. And it’s like, huh huh, a WOLF. Heh heh, huh huh. Heh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Metal. Heh. Wolf. The only thing that would make this album cover any COOLER is if there were some TURDS on it. Heh heh, huh huh. Cuz that would RULE.”

WTF Album Covers: Chaino

It totally defies description or explanation. Suitable for framing, pondering, and head-scratching. WTF does this sound like? Who cares? It demands to be purchased on the strength of its weirdness alone:

Read The Label

I found this at SteveCarter.com, and while the first-glance impression of this Wayne Newton LP cover is funny enough all by itself, reading the label of the LP makes the image even more priceless:

If the writing on the LP is too small for you even with your bifocals on, (and it IS too small, for sure) you will be amused/revolted to know that the LP title is “Bowel And Bladder Training”. I really, really, REALLY don’t want to know, but feel compelled to own this just the same.

And if you REALLY NEED a vinyl record to tell you about bowel and bladder training (whatever that is) I weep for you. Truly.

–Joe Wallace

WTF Records: Manfred Sings Love Songs

When trying to sell your new album, it’s vitally important NOT to have a cover which looks like it was assembled by a committee of kindergarten-age head trauma patients:

Never mind the shoddy presentation of this album, kids–this geezer is singing his love ballads in a NEW ACCENT! Hold on to your zippers, it’s gonna be a long night!

Vinyl Blogs To Love: Bad Record Covers

This totally bewildering album cover (ok, it’s the cover for a SINGLE, not a full-length album, but STILL…) come by way of the absolutely fabulous Bad Record Covers site, which has plenty of visual atrocities on display for your amusement. Behold:

This HAS to be some kind of ironic statement about the futility of war, right? Because otherwise it’s likely some kind of sick nationalistic drum beating exercise designed to whip people into a frenzy of…well, ok, settle down. It’s probably nothing aside from a really awful idea for a record jacket.

I hope.

The real point of all of this is to send you over to Bad Album Covers to get your fill of awfulness for the day. Some vinyl blogs might consider a site like this “the competition” but as far as Turntabling goes, there can NEVER be too many bad album cover detectives working out there. It’s a big, scary world filled with millions of intimidating discount record bins. Who could get through them all? Not me.

–Joe Wallace