Some days you just can’t decide…and today is one of those days. Normally only one bad album cover gets featured at a time here, but I found three utterly horrific vinyl LP releases today that not only defy reason with their utter cluelessness, but also transported me temporarily into a completely other dimension of disbelief. I couldn’t NOT write about any of them.

Not even Christian rock is this astonishing. You may be able to find some kind of mental acrobatics going on for a born-again record label to be able to justify a band like Stryper combining their gender-bendy spandex-n-sexual confusion vibe with bible verses and (apparently) chaste-living philosophies….but no amount of sacramental wine could fog your brain enough to think the following album cover artwork choices made ANY sense at all…

[ad#Google Adsense]

Our first entry in the bad album cover showcase is by The Incomparable Steve Warren, who somehow manages to channel both Wayne Newton AND the Scorpio Killer from Dirty Harry in one cheese-eating grin.

We’re not sure which to do first, run away screaming naked in the snow or hurry up and put it on the turntable to get it over with. Either way, it’s sure death by slow agonizing torture. At least that’s what the cover is selling us, to be sure.

Next up, a group that by name alone should be getting right in your spotty little face and turning it up to 11. Will you have any face left after you experience the full-on sonic attack of a band called Full Force?  Not on this record, cuz they are All Cried Out and too tired to do anything by wave their sweaty mesh shirts at your lame ass.

And what on earth could be better than a pair of horrific sweaty, hairy nipples and a freakin’ FLUTE? Herbie Mann takes the cake for the flute, the hair, and the badass look on his face that says, “Want some? I’ll stick this flute up your ass sideways and make you play third chair with Herb Alpert.”

–Joe Wallace