Category Archives: editorial

WTF Bad Album Covers: Monstrosity In Dark Purity

WTF?, , , ,

WTF bad album covers Monstrosity Dark Purityby Joe Wallace

Oh, sweet Jesus what do we have HERE? Scary, barely legible band logos indicated the presence of METAL.

Supported by the fact that a vaguely Rob Zombie-esque sinister entity appears on the cover of this mons-turd, and it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes or his latter day doppleganger Doctor Who to figure out that a brain clearly damaged by hours of non-stop headbanging thought this Photoshopped atrocity would be a great way to sell records.

The name of this little gem really takes the cake. “In Dark Purity“?? Why not just call it “Little House On The Prairie With Satan” and get it over with?

With a title like that, these guys HAVE to be Cookie Monster metal. I’m not listening to this to find out–we’ll save that little chore for a teeno hesher who hasn’t heard enough bad music yet. I can only judge this book by its cover…

I won’t even LOOK at the song titles, which I am sure are early-period Metallica ripoffs. I bet you a dollar there’s an Eye of the Beholder-style title, some kind of Fade to Black reference, a song about falling into a pit of despair and at least one track that makes references to conquering, crushing, or sodomizing an angel.

Go look for me, willya?

WTF Bad Album Covers: Swamp Dogg Resurrection

WTF?, , , ,

swamp dogg resurrection

What a mess. You can’t really tell unless you squint very hard at this bad album cover art for the Swamp Dogg album Resurrection, but the hat this crucified gent is wearing reads, “Witness Protection Program”. The sign on the crucifix reads “Program Failure”.

I’d say that’s an accurate description of what’s going on with this album cover.

What’s this damn thing trying to say? It looks like a talented stoner wanted to make some kind of anti-war image after savoring a nice fat bag of green, but couldn’t keep domestic politics from creeping into the picture (literally).

The artist can’t quite decide what needs to be front and center here…unless this album cover wants you to buy into the notion that the military is somehow racist for allowing people of color serve (and die) in a war zone.

That’s really the only thing you can take away from this, assuming there’s actually some kind of central message. Maybe they just told Jack The Happy Stoner Artist to throw in a bunch of controversial elements and let the chips fall where they may. And what chips they are!

“Yeah, Jack, we want to make sure Swamp Dogg is a martyr on the cover–but don’t forget to throw in some confusing stuff. Like that hat you got going there, GREAT IDEA! ‘Witness Protection Program’, yeah that’s what I mean, let’s confuse the hell out of them–is Swamp Dogg a squealer? Or is he a victim of THE MAN? They’ll have to listen to the album to figure it out!”

P.S.What’s with the flag underwear?

WTF Bad Album Covers: Kenny Loggins Keep the Fire

WTF?, , ,

bad album covers kenny loggins keep the fireby Joe Wallace

There are three basic things wrong with this album cover; the name Kenny Loggins, the feathered hair that somehow makes Kenny Loggins look like Jesus, and the candy-ass new age look of this overall. The very IDEA of Kenny Loggins is offensive enough, but to have him all jumped up to look like Shirley MacLaine’s guru or maybe that creepy high school substitute teacher in his loungewear? It’s enough to make your aura turn brown.

I can’t get over the fact that somebody went out of their way to get this autographed by Mister Footloose himself. “Hey Kenny, your album cover makes you look like a character from Tim & Eric’s Awesome Show. Can I have your autograph, Monsuier New Age? I’ve got a collection of famous wankers and you’re next on the list.”

WTF Bad Album Covers: Bee Gees Cucumber Castle

WTF?, , , ,

Bad album covers Bee Gees Cucumber Castle

The fact that this exists at all is highly amusing, but funnier still–the notion that someone held a piece of vinyl with two total berks in armor on the cover and said, “Yes, Cucumber Castle is definitely the right name for this.’

One can only hope that the phrase “sausage party” is quickly replaced by “cucumber castle” now that this is getting the light of day.

Who did the art direction for this? “Yes, darling, we plan to have two of the band members photographed standing about in suits of armor. What? NO, they most definitely will NOT be doing anything aside from looking extremely uncomfortable. That’s how things WERE back then, you know. Nobody did much because of those bloody suits of armor. Except kill each other once in a while.” Continue reading WTF Bad Album Covers: Bee Gees Cucumber Castle →