WTF Bad Album Cover: Dan Nicoloff Everybody’s Pink Under The Skin

There are bad album covers…and then there are LP covers that make you want to penetrate your own skull with a claw hammer because they’re so mind-rottingly awful. There’s not much to day about this that you haven’t already been thinking to yourself. Dan Nicoloff’s Everybody’s Pink Under The Skin is a sort of lame-o take on Clive Barker’s Books of Blood quip; “Everyone is a book of blood. When we’re opened, we’re red.” But Barker, even in his most feverish moments, could never have envisioned something like this.

It’s art design so staggeringly lame that you KNOW someone got PAID to do it. Look at the malice aforethought going on here. This cover looks like a photograph that someone actually staged and lit properly for EFFECT. I shudder to think about the time and effort that went into this. And I sit here wondering if it’s actually something WORSE–a photorealism PAINTING of some kind that a human being actually LABORED OVER to get JUST RIGHT.

That’s a thought my poor brain can’t quite get behind. … Continue Reading

WTF: The Bad Album Cover Odyssey Of Ted Nugent

Alas, poor Ted. A post like this would be harder to write in good fun if he didn’t take himself so seriously or carry himself like a man utterly convinced that he’s right…about everything. But since he DOES give off that Rush Limbaugh-esque bouquet, he’s fair game. After all, who can look at THIS with a straight face?

The real question here is, who in this picture does the album title refer to? I’m voting for Ted. Could it get any more swishy with song titles like “Savage Danger“? I really truly think it could replace YMCA as “Song most likely to be sung by drunk, closeted people of all persuasions.” Maybe Ted’s secretly thinking Dan Savage Danger.

Dan’s got a great column, but I bet he’d be horrified to think Ted’s harboring a schoolgirl crush.

Don’t misunderstand me here, there’s nothing WRONG with swish. Speaking as a  Pet Shop Boys fan myself, my real issue is that Ted’s trying really hard to get us thinking about Playboy centerfolds…why all the effort? You don’t have to prove anything to us here, jungle boy.

And then there’s this…

Oh, wow. This pretty much sums it all up, doesn’t it? A cowboy hat, a Madonna headset mic, and a half-enthused bikini girl showing the world that she really, really DID shave her armpits that day. No peach fuzz for Mister Ted.

Now what exactly is going on here? We have a passed-out woman in red trunks, presumably overcome from the volume levels from Ted Nugent’s amplifiers. Or maybe she’s just had too many cheeseburgers and wants to sleep.

OK, you have to hand it to the Nuge here…he had the Metallica look long before THEY did. Except the expression on his face here says either that a cat has just poked its head up Ted’s rectum, or perhaps there’s a hunting arrow stabbing him somewhere equally inappropriate.

OK, I’ll admit it. If you HAVE to own a Ted Nugent album, this is probably the only one you need. It does have its moments, and he even approaches something that could be considered proto-speed metal with Violent Love. But the front cover isn’t the worst….the back is REALLY the stuff dreams are made of. If you have dreams of Ted putting the moves on you as a flamenco dancer, that is.

OLE!

OK, all in good fun, right? We’re not suggesting you HATE Ted Nugent, and while he can make his fingers go up and down the fretboard of his guitar really fast, it’s clear he’s not quite as nimble in the art department.

Ted fans will no doubt post angry, hate-filled missives after reading all this nyuk-nyuk good fun, but I think Ted’s big enough to take it. Don’t get all peeved, now. But somebody ought to whisper in Ted’s ear that his most understated cover was probably the right idea all along.

WTF: Steve Walsh Glossolalia

by Joe Wallace

Normally, when I write up these bad album cover posts, I go into an extended rant about how silly the artwork is, or how goofy the clothing featured on the cover might be, perhaps taking time to savor a ridiculous facial gesture or some badly arranged hair styles.

However, when it comes to former Kansas singer Steve Walsh and his album Glossolalia, I can’t really do that. Instead, I’ll just have to settle for this:

I’ll gladly pay the sum of one million dollars in Monopoly money or its equivalent if someone can please explain to me exactly WTF is going on in this album cover. I am at a total loss to make hear or tail (heh) of it, and I am afraid to stare at it any longer–my brain might just turn into tapioca.

This album cover is so brain-rottingly dumb that I would have mistaken it for a Ted Nugent album if it weren’t for the Steve Walsh thing stamped on this–like he’s PROUD of it, or something. I think Walsh is a talented singer, but when it comes to picking the album art, maybe he should let a drunken sailor do it or something.

For the record, let me just state that I am NOT making fun of surrealism. I LIKE Dali. I LIKE M.C. Escher. I don’t think you have to “understand” art in order for it to be GOOD. But THIS crap? Um…well, I think there’s some kind of veiled Christian anti-evolution agenda going on here (Glossolalia means ’speaking in tounges” and I think Talking Heads should sue on this basis alone–brand integrity has definitely been damaged.) But I’ll be damned if I can get past the hardy-har joke on poor old Darwin to find the deeper meaning (?) of any of this nonsense.

I really admire Steve Walsh for having the cajones to go through with this–NOBODY GETS IT, STEVE. This album is one of the all time greats. I love it. It’s number one in dumb and I wish I could find one so I could frame it. Really. I’d pay up to five bucks for it. Drop me a line in the comments section, cuz I am a HUGE fan of misguided crap like this.

WTF: At Play With The Playmates

I don’t want to know what the boys in THIS band were thinking when they approved this unfortunately candid shot for At Play With The Playmates. The facial expressions alone are priceless. Look at “Lucky Pierre” in the middle there, he’s clearly the only one enjoying himself here…take that however you please, but the guy in the rear has “new hernia” written all over his face, while the gent in the front seems to have a sort of Glenn Beck outrage going on, combined with a case of sudden nausea. “Did you just touch my buttocks?”

At Play With The Playmates? This album has a sort of sub-par Four Seasons vibe to it, and it quickly wears out its welcome unless you’re a fan of the genre–and I’m definitely not. I’ll pass on the adenoidal shrieking, thanks very much. This album cover is damn amusing though. Just what ARE The Playmates playing at? It look suspiciously as though they’re all trying to cop a cheap jolly off the vibrations of a poorly tuned up moped.

–Joe Wallace

WTF: Bad Metal Album Covers

Metal bands seem to be particularly challenged when it comes to the cover art. It’s hard to find a truly GOOD album cover by a metal band. Some bands are so impressed with themselves for actually having the stick to finish the album that the artwork is pure afterthought…and it shows.

“Dude! We were so drunk when we made this record! How did we finish? I don’t know how we did it! Party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!”

The first mistake the band Exciter made was naming themselves after a piece of studio equipment. There are two cliches that noob bands fall into–one is having a band photo of themselves with a brick wall in the background, the other is naming a song or the band itself after a piece of studio gear in a non-ironic or unintentionally amusing way. (The exception to this rule is keyboard references, for some reason, especially when it comes to Moogs.)

Depeche Mode is probably the most high profile band to make this painful gaffe..and strangely enough their mistake is the same as this band’s. Why would ANYONE call a song, album or entity, “Exciter”? It sounds like a 4th rate sex toy imported from Malaysia in a broken carton.

Exhibit B–the name of this album is “Warmasters”. But instead of seeing an actual warmaster (whatever that is) what you GET is this dork who lives in his mom’s basement pretending that it’s Halloween for the 99th straight day in a row. Hey, bud, that scowl on your face does NOT disguise the fact that it takes you all day to get out of bed and that you’re completely out of breath by the time you’re done tuning your guitar. Warmaster? Try a THIGHMASTER.

Witchfinder General? More like, Adam Ant. These guys aren’t “Friends of Hell”. They’re friends of SATIN. And taffeta.

There are far too many bad metal album covers to include in one post…this could go on all YEAR, this stuff is PRICELESS. I love these bands for having the balls to be so damn corny. Rock on, dudes. I wouldn’t listen to these albums for pleasure, but they’re an endless source of entertainment and America is a better place because of them. More, please.

WTF: Batman For Mature Audiences Only

This bad album cover is brain-meltingly perverse in all the right ways. There’s no real commentary on this one, simply because…well, just LOOK at this! It’s a masterpiece of surrealism, OR it’s the dumbest piece of art designed to sell products ever.

The longer I stare at this, the funnier and more incomprehensible it gets. This is the El Topo of album covers. … Continue Reading

WTF: Roy Harper Wears the Emperor’s New Clothes

Bad album covers rule. Especially THIS one. We already know what’s going on here, but it’s the MESSAGE here that is the real head-scratcher. The artist seems to be saying, “Why yes, I AM a wanker. I’ve proved it with this here album cover.”

Now here’s the real mystery. Guess how much this album is selling for on Amazon. Just you TRY to guess. I don’t care if the guy DID do the vocals on Pink Floyd’s “Have a Cigar”, there’s no reason for the compact disc of this album to sell for $50. Is there? This album is standard folkie finger twiddling and caterwauling. It’s not Johnny Rotten’s secret outtakes from an unreleased collaboration with Joe Strummer we never knew about or anything.

And to hear this music while staring at this album cover makes the entire affair seem kinda sad. “Here’s me with no clothes on. And my music sounds about the same. Please like this record!”

Ahh well.

–Joe Wallace

WTF: Cher Take Me Home

Cher…one of the OG one-name celebs. Surely this proto-Madonna would know better than to let something as ridiculous as this be foisted off on an unsuspecting public? This album cover is giving me a mental picture of “Flight of the Valkyries” happening in a trailer park.

Can you hear the conversation about this one? Chances are poor Cher wasn’t even consulted about this one, they just dreamed it up in some art department and showed it to her later.

“Yeah, Sal, I’m telling you…Wagner is big, baby. Real big. I think we should get Cher into one of those kooky viking getups. Something where you can see, you know, her boobs and stuff. Guys like boobies, right? Don’t they?”

“Hell, I don’t know, she’ll go for it. You can’t SEE anything really, it just looks like she’s some kinda Mad Max escapeee that wants to get it on.”

And folks, Take Me Home by Cher is still available for sale over at Amazon.com. It’s such a priceless artifact of musical history that they’re flogging it for under FOUR BUCKS, brand new.  But you wanna know something really scary? Somebody at Amazon is selling a double album version of this (along with the Cher Prisoner album) for over$75.

I think they’re going to be waiting a LOOOONG TIME for that one to sell. Call me crazy.

“Sal, come ON, I know the album’s called ‘Take Me Home’. The idea is that there’s this contradiction, see? You get one look at that scary headgear of hers and you don’t WANNA take her home. You wanna turn her loose on those motorcycle punks that have been revvin’ up at 3AM.”

WTF: Shrinebuilder

Bad album covers and PR artwork both come in a variety of flavors, but the category “Ill-Advised Band Photography” is one of my favorites. The ones I see where I can hear the band talking to the photographer in my head? Priceless. This is what I heard when I spotted this winner from Shrinebuilder.

“Ok, first, like, we’re not Christian rock even though our name sure sounds like it. Second, like, make our tats really prominent in this photograph, dude. It will distract people from thinking this guy on the left looks like Janeane Garafolo.”

“Now, I’m gonna arrange my hair and hold my chin out LIKE THIS so I look exactly like Viggo Mortensen. We’re big fans of those damn hobbit movies.”

“Yeah, we KNOW these two other guys look like a high school shop teacher and Emo Phillips. Just make us two tattooed dudes look badass and we’ll call it a day.”

“Yes, Janeane Garafolo here has an I-Ching tat. Ain’t that something? He got it because that’s the sound he makes right before we start playing. He kinda hawks up a loogie and goes “eeeeee-shinnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggg!”

“Ok, now take that damn picture and make sure we got our mad faces on first.”

–Joe Wallace

WTF: Our Best/Worst Find of 2009

There are album covers that are bad because the artwork is wrong-headed, there are bad album covers because of horrifyingly unflattering pictures of the artists in question, and then there’s…THIS.

Steven Seagal–yes, THAT ONE, the pony tailed, constipated-face of the man who has ruined martial arts for EVERYBODY decided to go and record an album.

Steve, Steve, Steve. Don’t you know that David Carradine did this first, and MUCH BETTER THAN YOU? Why did HE have to go and check out while you are allowed to torment us with this? Steven Seagal’s Songs From The Crystal Cave is not only the worst album we’ve heard all year, it’s the worst we’ve heard ALL DECADE. It has every stupid lite rock cliche flourish in the book, including the “sparkling chimes” and “the wind” woosh you hear on those Kenny G albums.

“whoooooooooooshhhhhhhhh”.

An album shouldn’t normally be dismissed as a steaming pile of horse feces without at least giving it a listen.  I naturally felt safe enough looking at this to declare it unlistenable–but in order to show I have more inner strength than Chuck Norris, Henry Rollins and Superfly rolled into one, I ACTUALLY LISTENED TO THIS before writing.

Like the climax of an H.P. Lovecraft story, I started screaming from the moment I heard the cursed recording of Steven Segal warbling his cornball Rob Thomas-wannabe vocals over the top of a barely competent guitar track (which sounds like throwaways from a session between Steelheart and Trixter trying to top each other in the love ballads department).

Throw in a little vomit-inducing overproduction in the form of some “meaningful” echoes and a lot of one-word song titles (including the creatively bankrupt “Music”) and you have all the makings of a new Gitmo torture technique just waiting to be applied to the new crop of terror suspects.

“No, General, we won’t be having Steven Segal beat up the prisoners, we just need to make them listen to him SING.”

I can’t say enough about how bad this record is. You could stab yourself in both eardrums with a pointy stick until you get gray matter on the business end and you still won’t be able to erase the awfulness. The album cover is bad enough, but the music is so much worse that maybe people should buy this to remind themselves of what GOOD music should be like. This is hands down the worst album cover of the year for no other reason than Mister Constipated’s goofy, bulbous face is on it. … Continue Reading