Tag Archives: bad albums

WTF Bad Album Covers: The Worst So Far?

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WTF bad album covers mazaradi fox and the dumoutsby Joe Wallace

There are some people who tell me that picking on rap albums is like shooting fish in a barrel. There are so very many bad album covers in the rap, hip hop, metal, and singer/songwriter genres that it’s almost a cop-out to post one in any of these genres. You wouldn’t believe how many album covers I turn down for posting here because they just aren’t rotten enough.

And then there’s this one. Another example of truth in advertising in the genre, the band has the word “dumb” in its name so you already know what to expect–contentwise we’re probably talking the equivalent of a lyric sheet from any Blink 182 record. You want deep thoughts? Go read some James Joyce. If you’re looking for utter bewilderment, this is a fine and dandy album cover to gaze upon.

What’s the deal with the dude holding the machete? The One Way sign over the thanksgiving turkey makes me think of food poisoning for some reason…and the tilty baseball caps make these gents look like grade school kids out ready to go running after the ice cream truck. Hard core street survivors? Not on this album cover. More like Leave It To Beaver. Tomorrow I’ll look at this and think that the guy on the bottom left looks like Cat from Red Dwarf, but today it’s all about the ice cream truck. Maybe I’ve been listening to far too much KLF for my own good.

I imagine the conversation about this picture going something like this. “Hey, we gotta get a COVER on this mess. What do you want to put on it? I’m thinking about turkeys. And place settings. And big fluffly clouds. But make sure you get some mad faces on there too so people don’t think we’re a bunch of sissies.”

WTF Bad Album Covers: The Best Heavy Metal Album Ever

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WTF Bad Album Covers

It’s not the artwork that makes this one of the worst covers we’ve seen all month, it’s the last word printed on the cover.

There’s only one thing sillier than putting a nancy-boy glam band like Poison on a heavy metal compilation album…and that’s putting a nancy-boy whine-rock band like NICKELBACK on a heavy metal compilation album. That this piece of crap is called The Best Heavy Metal Album In The World Ever AND features a Nickelback song is proof positive that morons rule the world, and we are their slaves.

OK, not ALL of us, but at least the suckers who actually BOUGHT this. Sorry, but the fact that Motorhead shows up here does NOT redeem the album. The Best Heavy Metal Album Ever is, in all possibility by Motorhead…so ignore this and go listen to March Or Die instead.

I hate to go on and on here, but Nickelback? METAL? The very name is the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard. Nickelback is by far one of the absolute worst of the whiner bands in recent memory. They started off as unlistenable angst-whiner rock and went downhill from there to balladeering craphounds. All whiners, all the time. What a bunch of tossers. And now…this. Rock on, dudes. And Nickelback.

Wow, that was a lot of venom directed at the gents in the N-word band. I feel better now. Lighter.

J. Wallace

WTF: Cher Take Me Home

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WTF bad album covers Cher Take Me Home LP

Cher…one of the OG one-name celebs. Surely this proto-Madonna would know better than to let something as ridiculous as this be foisted off on an unsuspecting public? This album cover is giving me a mental picture of “Flight of the Valkyries” happening in a trailer park.

Can you hear the conversation about this one? Chances are poor Cher wasn’t even consulted about this one, they just dreamed it up in some art department and showed it to her later.

“Yeah, Sal, I’m telling you…Wagner is big, baby. Real big. I think we should get Cher into one of those kooky viking getups. Something where you can see, you know, her boobs and stuff. Guys like boobies, right? Don’t they?”

“Hell, I don’t know, she’ll go for it. You can’t SEE anything really, it just looks like she’s some kinda Mad Max escapeee that wants to get it on.”

And folks, Take Me Home by Cher is still available for sale over at Amazon.com. It’s such a priceless artifact of musical history that they’re flogging it for under FOUR BUCKS, brand new.  But you wanna know something really scary? Somebody at Amazon is selling a double album version of this (along with the Cher Prisoner album) for over$75.

I think they’re going to be waiting a LOOOONG TIME for that one to sell. Call me crazy.

“Sal, come ON, I know the album’s called ‘Take Me Home’. The idea is that there’s this contradiction, see? You get one look at that scary headgear of hers and you don’t WANNA take her home. You wanna turn her loose on those motorcycle punks that have been revvin’ up at 3AM.”

WTF: Our Best/Worst Find of 2009

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Steven Segal bad album covers Songs from the Crystal CaveThere are album covers that are bad because the artwork is wrong-headed, there are bad album covers because of horrifyingly unflattering pictures of the artists in question, and then there’s…THIS.

Steven Seagal–yes, THAT ONE, the pony tailed, constipated-face of the man who has ruined martial arts for EVERYBODY decided to go and record an album.

Steve, Steve, Steve. Don’t you know that David Carradine did this first, and MUCH BETTER THAN YOU? Why did HE have to go and check out while you are allowed to torment us with this? Steven Seagal’s Songs From The Crystal Cave is not only the worst album we’ve heard all year, it’s the worst we’ve heard ALL DECADE. It has every stupid lite rock cliche flourish in the book, including the “sparkling chimes” and “the wind” woosh you hear on those Kenny G albums.

“whoooooooooooshhhhhhhhh”.

An album shouldn’t normally be dismissed as a steaming pile of horse feces without at least giving it a listen.  I naturally felt safe enough looking at this to declare it unlistenable–but in order to show I have more inner strength than Chuck Norris, Henry Rollins and Superfly rolled into one, I ACTUALLY LISTENED TO THIS before writing.

Like the climax of an H.P. Lovecraft story, I started screaming from the moment I heard the cursed recording of Steven Segal warbling his cornball Rob Thomas-wannabe vocals over the top of a barely competent guitar track (which sounds like throwaways from a session between Steelheart and Trixter trying to top each other in the love ballads department).

Throw in a little vomit-inducing overproduction in the form of some “meaningful” echoes and a lot of one-word song titles (including the creatively bankrupt “Music”) and you have all the makings of a new Gitmo torture technique just waiting to be applied to the new crop of terror suspects.

“No, General, we won’t be having Steven Segal beat up the prisoners, we just need to make them listen to him SING.”

I can’t say enough about how bad this record is. You could stab yourself in both eardrums with a pointy stick until you get gray matter on the business end and you still won’t be able to erase the awfulness. The album cover is bad enough, but the music is so much worse that maybe people should buy this to remind themselves of what GOOD music should be like. This is hands down the worst album cover of the year for no other reason than Mister Constipated’s goofy, bulbous face is on it. Continue reading WTF: Our Best/Worst Find of 2009 →