Tag Archives: Jesus

WTF Album Covers: Bein’ Smarmy For Jesus

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Rednecks, inbreeders, peckerwoods, southern-friend jeezo-grovelers and mother-of-pearl button shirt wearing evangelist sweat machines abound, but few are as proud of their ignorance as some of THESE geniuses.

Sex…and the FEMALE? You’ve got to be kidding, right? The FEMALE? Is this guy studying Bonobo mating habits or is he talking about HUMAN FEMALES? The last time I heard anybody refer to a woman as “a female” it was right before he was about to try and make her into a meal for the happy cannibal family in some 70s slasher atrocity. This Jay Snell fellow as DAMAGE.

If the aliens spaceships made it all the way to Earth from wherever it is they’re from, if they see THIS jackass floating around in orbit around the planet, they’ll just set the deathrays to “incinerate/obliterate” and fire away without thinking twice. Look at that HAIR…we deserve to be oblivionized for tolerating this walking abomination on our Earth, and in our record stores. Did I mention that I own this?

I don’t care how much Jesus loves me, I’d never close my eyes around this guy. The look on his face in this particular image makes me think he either wants to EAT me or harvest my organs. Maybe he wants to make a pair of leather man-panties out of my flesh. Yeah, that’s the vibe I’m getting off this.

This album cover is merely lame instead of laugh-inducingly stupid, but come on, it’s Jimmy “I Have Sinned Against You” Swaggart. The man who routinely and repeatedly paid for hookers he wouldn’t even attempt to have sex with. Not only is that completely financially stupid, but…wait, it’s just plain stupid. This album would be funnier if it were DEAD From Nashville and Swaggart were made up as a zombie. But then again, he’s lived most of his life as one, so what’s the dif?

This collection of “humorous” gospel songs would be less frightening if Bob Larson didn’t look like he wants to rip off all my skin with a potato peeler and push me into a salt bath. For Jesus. The expression on his face says he’s either not getting enough fiber or getting far too much. It’s impossible to tell from this angle, but there is SOMETHING going on back there.

–Joe Wallace

Satan, Rock Music, and Born Again Christians

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In the 1980s, America was gripped in such a wave of conservative nonsense that any idiot could write a book about Satan, rock music, and witchcraft and it would somehow sell. Brain-dead religious right charlatans and/or nutters like Bob Larson, Jacob Aranza, and the infamous Peters Brothers were doing a brisk business in books about Satanic messages hidden in that evil rock and roll music.

The Devils Disciples The Truth About Rock

The best part about all of these books–and the most telling–are their sections about “backwards masking”. This delightfully hysterical non-crisis was generated by preachers who spent a good deal of time turning records backwards on their turntables, listening for the Devil’s messages.

Satan Music Peters Brothers Why Knock Rock

Even better-the right wing hysteria made bands get into the act and perpetrate their own actual, for-real backwards masking messages. Did they do it just to screw with the Christies? ELO not once, but TWICE threw a bone to the Bob Larsons of the world with the albums Eldorado and Secret Messages. Kiss’s Gene Simmons–then seemingly eager to bait Christians into some new madness– recorded some backwards messages on his solo record. There were plenty of others, to be sure.

Backwards Masking UnmaskedWell, now that I’ve purchased an Audio-Technica AT LP 120 USB turntable, I’ve taken to revisiting some of these hilariously wrong-headed books. (I was all about them when I was in high school for vastly different reasons–caught up in my own small town religious kookiness–don’t worry, I got better).

See, the Audio Technica AT LP120 turntable has a delightful function–it plays in reverse, no finger-turning needed to uncover those Satanic messages. I plan to go through the whole of my catalog to listen for the Devil’s commands…I thought I’d start off by listening to Eno’s Music For Airports and work my way to the first Air LP.

Yeah, those records are all instrumentals. But Satan is a TRICKSTER, you see. He could have hidden messages in there backwards ANYWAY. And that’s the same kind of logic you’ll find waiting for you in ANY of those book titles displayed here.

If you’ve never read these books, I strongly urge you to do so…if for no other reason than to see the minds at work behind yesterday’s goofy right wing thinking. Which is pretty much the SAME thinking at work in TODAY’S goofy right wing thinking.

Don’t believe me? Check THIS crap out:

This website is called Dial-the-Truth Ministries. In addition to being grossed out by their anti-Obama hysteria and general Bronze Age fire and brimstone stupidity, can I REALLY be the only person who sees the disconnect in a WEBSITE called DIAL the Truth? I think not. But it never occurred to THEM, apparently.

Here’s a total howler of a site with a page called Satan’s Music. Prince, Queen, and apparently for some reason the Dixie Chicks are all apparently in service of Our Dark Lord Lucifer. Even the cute one.

Did you know that Emo is unethical for born againers to listen to? Oh yes, kiddies. You are all going to kill yourselves now.

Those are only three examples. Share your own in the comments section, and don’t forget kids…YANKEE ROSE.

WTF Bad Album Covers: Swamp Dogg Resurrection

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swamp dogg resurrection

What a mess. You can’t really tell unless you squint very hard at this bad album cover art for the Swamp Dogg album Resurrection, but the hat this crucified gent is wearing reads, “Witness Protection Program”. The sign on the crucifix reads “Program Failure”.

I’d say that’s an accurate description of what’s going on with this album cover.

What’s this damn thing trying to say? It looks like a talented stoner wanted to make some kind of anti-war image after savoring a nice fat bag of green, but couldn’t keep domestic politics from creeping into the picture (literally).

The artist can’t quite decide what needs to be front and center here…unless this album cover wants you to buy into the notion that the military is somehow racist for allowing people of color serve (and die) in a war zone.

That’s really the only thing you can take away from this, assuming there’s actually some kind of central message. Maybe they just told Jack The Happy Stoner Artist to throw in a bunch of controversial elements and let the chips fall where they may. And what chips they are!

“Yeah, Jack, we want to make sure Swamp Dogg is a martyr on the cover–but don’t forget to throw in some confusing stuff. Like that hat you got going there, GREAT IDEA! ‘Witness Protection Program’, yeah that’s what I mean, let’s confuse the hell out of them–is Swamp Dogg a squealer? Or is he a victim of THE MAN? They’ll have to listen to the album to figure it out!”

P.S.What’s with the flag underwear?

WTF of the Week: Satan Is Real by The Louvin Brothers

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I saw this album cover and a whole new series of Turntabling posts was born. WTF is our brand new series of unbelievable album art…make that REALLY DUMB and ILL-ADVISED album art. Let’s kick off the inaugural edition of WTF with SATAN IS REAL.

With songs like Satan’s Jeweled Crown, The Drunkard’s Doom, and of course the title track Satan Is Real, you’d be well within your rights to guess that this album is by some brain-dead Swedish death metal outfit named Kronktor or Circus Satanicus. But one glance at the album cover shows a couple of mindless country preacher boys quite confused about whether this is supposed to be a southern gospel record or a gleeful, undies-twisting celebration of Our Dark Lord Lucifer.

Just LOOK at this silly shit. These guys appear to be WELCOMING YOU TO HELL instead of getting ready to deliver the corn-fed gospel to you dripping with barbecue sauce and near-beer. And do I interpret that album cover correctly? In the upper right hand corner it seems to read “Part 1”. Looks like these cornpone cuzzin-lovers were planning a series, Lucas-style. If they could get themselves out of Hell, that is. The album cover makes it look like the Louvins are there to stay.

Is it just me, or did this album–released in 1960–anticipate Matt Parker and Trey Stone’s Satan by, oh, FORTY YEARS?

Here’s the best part. You can STILL BUY THIS NONSENSE. It’s available as an MP3 download from Amazon.com, or if you MUST you can purchase a physical copy to keep under your pillow when you’re cowering under the covers, hoping the Elder Gods don’t come to gnaw off your forehead.

Oh, and by the way–rumor has it that the Louvin Brothers created that fire-n-brimstone set themselves and nearly burned up real good when the flames started going haywire. That’ll teach you southern gospel boys to mess with the Debbil’s tools.