An album cover is like an advertisement for your music. The image can sell a record, or it can make people run away screaming from your record at a GLANCE. So with that notion in mind, one DOES have to wonder what these artists were contemplating when they settled on these particular images. And remember, kids, if you put your work on public display, you invite commentary. Nobody with an album cover is safe from the snickering.

“Because They Can” sort of screams “contractual obligation”, doesn’t it? The gents themselves couldn’t be bothered to show up for the art direction meeting on this one? Too busy trying on new silver moon boots to give a toss? You tell US what was going on here.

It would be very funny to make a bunch of jokes about how Vladimir Putin likely owns this record and listens to it on a nightly basis, but nobody in the Turntabling office is willing to risk getting stuck in the leg by an umbrealla tip loaded with a Ricin pellet.

Those dresses are likely worth a fortune now on the vintage market. The suits those poor bastards are wearing? Not so much. There’s too much of a frontal attack on the eyeballs for this album cover, WTF is going on here? And why do these goddamned families keep putting out records?

They were an Austin, Texas Christian metal band, but one does wonder how their fundie beliefs lined up with aping Freddie Mercury who was basically everything that Christian metal bands hated back in the Satanic Panic 80s. How did nobody review the grimacing on this album cover and say, “Hey lads, any chance we could use a photo where you don’t look like you’re all passing a kidney stone?”