WTF: Our Best/Worst Find of 2009

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Steven Segal bad album covers Songs from the Crystal CaveThere are album covers that are bad because the artwork is wrong-headed, there are bad album covers because of horrifyingly unflattering pictures of the artists in question, and then there’s…THIS.

Steven Seagal–yes, THAT ONE, the pony tailed, constipated-face of the man who has ruined martial arts for EVERYBODY decided to go and record an album.

Steve, Steve, Steve. Don’t you know that David Carradine did this first, and MUCH BETTER THAN YOU? Why did HE have to go and check out while you are allowed to torment us with this? Steven Seagal’s Songs From The Crystal Cave is not only the worst album we’ve heard all year, it’s the worst we’ve heard ALL DECADE. It has every stupid lite rock cliche flourish in the book, including the “sparkling chimes” and “the wind” woosh you hear on those Kenny G albums.

“whoooooooooooshhhhhhhhh”.

An album shouldn’t normally be dismissed as a steaming pile of horse feces without at least giving it a listen.  I naturally felt safe enough looking at this to declare it unlistenable–but in order to show I have more inner strength than Chuck Norris, Henry Rollins and Superfly rolled into one, I ACTUALLY LISTENED TO THIS before writing.

Like the climax of an H.P. Lovecraft story, I started screaming from the moment I heard the cursed recording of Steven Segal warbling his cornball Rob Thomas-wannabe vocals over the top of a barely competent guitar track (which sounds like throwaways from a session between Steelheart and Trixter trying to top each other in the love ballads department).

Throw in a little vomit-inducing overproduction in the form of some “meaningful” echoes and a lot of one-word song titles (including the creatively bankrupt “Music”) and you have all the makings of a new Gitmo torture technique just waiting to be applied to the new crop of terror suspects.

“No, General, we won’t be having Steven Segal beat up the prisoners, we just need to make them listen to him SING.”

I can’t say enough about how bad this record is. You could stab yourself in both eardrums with a pointy stick until you get gray matter on the business end and you still won’t be able to erase the awfulness. The album cover is bad enough, but the music is so much worse that maybe people should buy this to remind themselves of what GOOD music should be like. This is hands down the worst album cover of the year for no other reason than Mister Constipated’s goofy, bulbous face is on it. Continue reading WTF: Our Best/Worst Find of 2009 →

A Fistful of Soundtracks

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a fistful of soundtracks blogJimmy J. Aquino is a busy guy. He programs an internet radio station full of soundtrack music, does graphic novel work and runs A Fistful of Soundtracks which is heavy on the graphic novel stuff (Aquino’s Death to Skinny Jeans) but also full of soundtrack, television and cinema talk.

We’re new to this blog, but digging it very much. Highlights include a great discussion of the Superfly soundtrack (plus the awesome image below–we did NOT take this, the image is courtesy A Fistful of Soundtracks. Kudos to Jimmy Aquino–this is a worthy fellow soundtrack blog and the latest addition to the Turntabling blog roll. RECOMMENDED!

superfly-soundtrack-8-track tape michael-a-gonzales Continue reading A Fistful of Soundtracks →

WTF: The Eternally Wretched Album Art of Yanni

WTF?

yanni bad album covers

The very name Yanni conjures several feelings at once. Instant nausea combined with a desire to kill are just two of the many things you’ll experience, but the most compelling symptom  of Yanni exposure is sudden paralysis because you can’t decide what to do first–yank the stereo power cord out of the wall socket, smash the CD player, or just shoot yourself in the face.

But Yanni isn’t just a hopeless noise polluter, oh no…he also has designs on your eyeballs, too. Just look at the utterly horrid image above–a combination of the worst of the Journey album concepts with an equally barf-inducing new age sensibility that screams, “Let me massage your ass chakras now using this vibrating beef tenderizer.” Continue reading WTF: The Eternally Wretched Album Art of Yanni →

Paracinema Magazine

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paracinema magazine

I recently discovered Paracinema Magazine courtesy of Mike White’s fun Impossible Funky blog. What a great find! Paracinema is a worthy investment for anybody who loves exploitation, horror, B-movies, and generally unclassifiable cinema. And yes, it’s another subscription to add to your Video Watchdog, Shock Cinema, etc. etc. But damn, what a publication! The blog is full of lengthy, in-depth discussions of everything from The Road to The Road Warrior.

My ONLY gripe with this publication is that a good deal of their back issues are sold out, so I can’t order the stuff I’ve missed, and there is PLENTY. But you can still score several of the seven back issues available. Obsessives, don’t delay, grab ’em while you can. I am really digging Paracinema–so much so that I had to post about it on Xmas day. Issue Seven has a feature on Larry Cohen. I am SO there.