Tag Archives: bad art

WTF: Bad Metal Album Covers

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Metal bands seem to be particularly challenged when it comes to the cover art. It’s hard to find a truly GOOD album cover by a metal band. Some bands are so impressed with themselves for actually having the stick to finish the album that the artwork is pure afterthought…and it shows.

“Dude! We were so drunk when we made this record! How did we finish? I don’t know how we did it! Party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!”

The first mistake the band Exciter made was naming themselves after a piece of studio equipment. There are two cliches that noob bands fall into–one is having a band photo of themselves with a brick wall in the background, the other is naming a song or the band itself after a piece of studio gear in a non-ironic or unintentionally amusing way. (The exception to this rule is keyboard references, for some reason, especially when it comes to Moogs.)

Depeche Mode is probably the most high profile band to make this painful gaffe..and strangely enough their mistake is the same as this band’s. Why would ANYONE call a song, album or entity, “Exciter”? It sounds like a 4th rate sex toy imported from Malaysia in a broken carton.

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Exhibit B–the name of this album is “Warmasters”. But instead of seeing an actual warmaster (whatever that is) what you GET is this dork who lives in his mom’s basement pretending that it’s Halloween for the 99th straight day in a row. Hey, bud, that scowl on your face does NOT disguise the fact that it takes you all day to get out of bed and that you’re completely out of breath by the time you’re done tuning your guitar. Warmaster? Try a THIGHMASTER.

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Witchfinder General? More like, Adam Ant. These guys aren’t “Friends of Hell”. They’re friends of SATIN. And taffeta.

There are far too many bad metal album covers to include in one post…this could go on all YEAR, this stuff is PRICELESS. I love these bands for having the balls to be so damn corny. Rock on, dudes. I wouldn’t listen to these albums for pleasure, but they’re an endless source of entertainment and America is a better place because of them. More, please.

WTF: Bad Album Art Doublevision

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Bad album covers seem even worse when they’re foisted on unsuspecting record buyers by people who market their music using only their first name. What possesses people to release songs under ONE NAME ONLY? No ideas here, but I can tell you the one-name LP is a recipe for disaster. Today we bring you not one, but TWO abominations for the price of one. Behold the horror that is…KEN and JOYCE.

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WTF: Swing That Gospel Axe

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Bad album covers Swing That Gospel Axe

I wonder if when gospel bands are praying to Jesus, if their lord and savior couldn’t take five seconds to have a word with them about their lame-ass album covers. I mean, come ON, now, Jesus…can’t you spare a COUPLE of moments for these poor dorks?

Let’s pass Go AND collect $200–the first thing this album cover says to me is that a slasher movie moment is in the offing here–the Gospel Axe is going to wind up in the back of that chick’s SKULL.

“Hey guys, what do you want to call this band?” Bruce Yelton asks the others. “We’re singin’ about Jesus here, so why don’t we give it some kind of dorky name that sounds like it’s SUPPOSED to be hip and happening, but is really some kind of dumb-ass made up word that doesn’t actually MEAN anything.”

To which the woman in this group replies, “You just said “dumbass”. You’re a sinner and you’re going to hell straightaway. The REST of this band is ‘upbound’ but not you.”

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WTF: Pantera Doesn’t Want You To See This

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I admit it, I have a thing against a lot of the hair metal and post-hair band metal albums. Let the reader beware, it all sounds like the Cookie Monster with a backup band to me. With that caveat in mind…

Once upon a time, the name Pantera was synonymous with large music industry dollars…or so it seemed, anyway. They were EVERYWHERE. You couldn’t see for the forest of Pantera concert shirts, and if you asked anybody in a truck stop ANYWHERE what they listened to, it was inevitably, “Payanterrra”.

Where are they now? Who cares? To some of us, this sort of record sounds like this:
Continue reading WTF: Pantera Doesn’t Want You To See This →