NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Please tell me these records were all copies of Jesus Christ Superstar, Meatloaf, and No No Nanette. Please.
Permanent brain damage alert! Do NOT look at these album covers unless you want your visual cortex burned beyond repair. One of these lovelies is a complete first for us here at Turntabling–we’ve never featured an OPERA album cover before, but this one is certainly worthy. It demands a frame and a special place in the home, does it not?
Is that dress a Mondrian crossover atrocity? Or just some fashion designer’s idea of a sick prank? Either way, the net effect is brain seizure followed by fight-or-flight adrenaline overload as you try to violently remove your eyes from their sockets.
Next up, the special torture:
Aside from the spread-eagle lady with the pumps and her blonde spandex-wearing counterpart, this bunch looks like they just got done shooting a hard day’s work on The Electric Company or Zoom. This is one dance party I need the bottle of ether for, thanks.
by Joe Wallace
Sometimes, these WTF album covers are chosen simply because I haven’t had enough caffeine yet when I see them and they just…set…me…off. This one was discovered during a particularly bad decaffeination headache. I snarled at the computer screen. “Yodel…OR whistle. You can’t do both at once, jackass”.
I’m on my second cup now and feeling much better. But this record still sucks. If you listen to this after seeing both the word “yodeling” and “whistler”, there’s simply no hope for you.
Rednecks, inbreeders, peckerwoods, southern-friend jeezo-grovelers and mother-of-pearl button shirt wearing evangelist sweat machines abound, but few are as proud of their ignorance as some of THESE geniuses.
Sex…and the FEMALE? You’ve got to be kidding, right? The FEMALE? Is this guy studying Bonobo mating habits or is he talking about HUMAN FEMALES? The last time I heard anybody refer to a woman as “a female” it was right before he was about to try and make her into a meal for the happy cannibal family in some 70s slasher atrocity. This Jay Snell fellow as DAMAGE.
If the aliens spaceships made it all the way to Earth from wherever it is they’re from, if they see THIS jackass floating around in orbit around the planet, they’ll just set the deathrays to “incinerate/obliterate” and fire away without thinking twice. Look at that HAIR…we deserve to be oblivionized for tolerating this walking abomination on our Earth, and in our record stores. Did I mention that I own this?
I don’t care how much Jesus loves me, I’d never close my eyes around this guy. The look on his face in this particular image makes me think he either wants to EAT me or harvest my organs. Maybe he wants to make a pair of leather man-panties out of my flesh. Yeah, that’s the vibe I’m getting off this.
This album cover is merely lame instead of laugh-inducingly stupid, but come on, it’s Jimmy “I Have Sinned Against You” Swaggart. The man who routinely and repeatedly paid for hookers he wouldn’t even attempt to have sex with. Not only is that completely financially stupid, but…wait, it’s just plain stupid. This album would be funnier if it were DEAD From Nashville and Swaggart were made up as a zombie. But then again, he’s lived most of his life as one, so what’s the dif?
This collection of “humorous” gospel songs would be less frightening if Bob Larson didn’t look like he wants to rip off all my skin with a potato peeler and push me into a salt bath. For Jesus. The expression on his face says he’s either not getting enough fiber or getting far too much. It’s impossible to tell from this angle, but there is SOMETHING going on back there.
–Joe Wallace