Tag Archives: bad album covers

WTF Album Covers: Atrocity Upon Atrocity

WTF album covers don’t have to necessarily be technically awful or tastelessly inept. They can also simply lend themselves to pure mockery by obvious double entendre titles or conceptual silliness. Look at these two beauties:

I don’t want to know about their happy hands. I do NOT want to know about their happy hands. Please don’t tell me about their happy hands.

Burning question: how much cocaine did it take for this cover to seem like a GOOD IDEA? The name of this record is “Ride A Rock Horse” but “rock” isn’t the word you’re thinking of right now. It does RHYME with “rock” though.

And finally, an open letter from the future to born again recording artists of the past. KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE EFFING PUPPETS ALREADY. Thank you.

Bad Album Covers on the Ellen DeGeneres Show

As a rule, daytime television sucks the air out of a deceased camel. But I have to say, I was totally surprised by this clip from the Ellen show, because not only did she NOT trot out some bad album covers that everybody has seen before a million times, she actually SURPRISED ME as a connoisseur of shitty album art with two records I didn’t even know existed.

Honor Blackman recorded a record? The former Bond girl turns songstress? Or was she always a singer and I just didn’t know it? That album cover isn’t as awful as some, but Ellen DeGeneres does have just as much fun at Honor Blackman’s expense as I would here–her riffs on these records were pretty funny. And I hate daytime TV.

Then again, maybe some producer out there in TV land has been watching this space, and I should consider a lawsuit.

Only kidding–there are plenty of crap album covers and enough jokes to go around for all eternity. Plus, right-wing extremist knuckle-draggers hate Ellen DeGeneres, which makes her a good egg in my book. How could I possibly tilt lances at her when she gives the righties nightmares? Behold three wretched album covers and commentary as featured on the Ellen show:

WTF Album Covers: Christmas At The Devil’s House

by Joe Wallace

Let’s start with the obvious. This may look, feel, and SMELL like a Creed record, but it’s not. Wait–you mean the guy on the left ISN’T a cartoon rendition of that whiny lead singer with a pair of horns on?

Oh, sorry then.

But if you actually heard this record, you’d SWEAR it was Creed–it’s every bit as wretched and filled with half-baked, warmed over doofus-shite. Some might argue that it’s not a fair comparison to put Creed side by side with Christmas At The Devil’s House, but lest we forget, Creed was responsible for bringing generic guitar twaddle with what sounds like Eddie Vedder’s untalented half-brother at the mic.

And they had a right-wing “family values” type songwriting agenda which makes all their lyrics as suspect as John Travolta’s motives for making “Battlefield Earth”. Whenever you hear “I love you,” lead singer boy is probably talking about Mister God. Yuck.

Christmas At The Devil’s House is every bit as uninspired–it’s that “Let’s play classical music with metal guitar noises” crap that makes people vomit uncontrollably after exactly ten seconds.

The album cover itself is merely goofy–but it promises something the record itself won’t deliver. WHERE ARE THE SATAN-THEMED CHRISTMAS SONGS? It’s almost July at the time of this writing, which means Christmas in July sales and other nonsense to do with Santa wearing a bathing suit.

But there’s no real presence of Satan on this album unless you think a metaloid cover of “Greensleeves” is a secret message from The Dark Overlord commanding us to slaughter our neighbors and make love to the parrot.

This album wouldn’t really make it into the Turntabling WTF gallery of crap record covers except for the fact that you really, really expect the record to have more Satan on it. Instead, you wind up feeling cruelly misled by the crude artwork. And maybe that’s the Devil’s trick; if you were dumb enough to PAY for this you got what you deserved?