Category Archives: snark

WTF: Porter Wagoner’s The Bottom of the Bottle

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Porter Wagoner may have been one of the legends of country music, but the dudes who approved the artwork for his records were clearly smoking Jimson weed for this one. Just WTF is going on with this picture, anyway?

Wagoner looks like he’s contemplating drinking this rotgut in spite of the fact that there’s a little man inside. “Hey Porter, over here! Look, you don’t wanna drink this. I just wee’d inside this bottle and it smells like a homeless shelter. Fer chrissakes, Porter…DON’T DRINK MEEEEEEEEE!”

The expression on Porter Wagoner’s face is priceless. It’s a cross between “Goddamn, I really want to tie one on here,” and “I wonder if free will is an artificial construct of the human mind or if it’s a crucial part of what makes our all-too-brief existence what it is?”

Or perhaps it’s kidney stones.

DJ Essentials Tools and Tricks of the Trade

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Becoming a DJ isn’t easy, but fortunately for newcomers there are a lot of books available that can help you learn exactly what it takes to be a professional DJ. You can learn everything from the art of remixing to buying the right gear thanks to the books on sale right this very second. I was VERY AMUSED to see what was on just such a list recently..apparently buying the right gear and spinning those tracks to please the crowds ain’t enough. I found a collection of books on DJ culture while doing a search on Amazon.com. What does Amazon reccomend for those seeking tomes on how to become a paid DJ professional? Behold:


the-moble-dj-handbook-get-paid-to-party

The DJ Sales and Marketing Handbook starts off the list. So far, so good, right? Learn how to set up and get paid to party! That’s what author Stacy Zemon wants you to do. Why the hell not? Now granted, being a club DJ is alot different than being a MOBILE DJ, but a lot of people find the party DJ route easier to get into and they transition to clubs later. Not a bad career path if you ask me…

remixing-how-to-guide

The Complete Guide To Remixing is probably a good bet, as long as you’re buying DJ how to books. After all, what good’s a DJ who can’t remix on the fly?

Then, there’s THIS little entry in the Amazon list of books, which surprised me on one hand, but on the other, I thought “Well damn, I guess I have some book ordering to do.” Apparently, the Amazon people understand DJ culture better than you might think:

how-to-grow-exceptional-cannabis

And yes, How To Grow Exceptional Cannabis is STILL FOR SALE. Hurry, now.

Top 10 Reasons Vinyl Records are Better Than MP3 Downloads

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vinyl-records-are-better-than-mp3s

Vinyl records vs. MP3s? I own them both. Why are album versions of records better than their MP3 counterparts? The digital Black Flag vs. the original SST Black Flag recordings? Naked Raygun on your iPod shouldn’t sound much different than the vinyl record of the same album, right? Can you find Big Black on MP3? Here’s a a little list:

10.  You can’t accidentally delete a vinyl record. However, your cat may urinate on it. That won’t affect playback…unless you have friends over.

9. You don’t get the nice big cover art off an MP3 download. This doesn’t matter much for modern releases, but for those old, elaborate LP releases or soundtracks to sexy Italian horror and “sexual awakening” movies, big covers are nice. Especially for those Piero Umiliani soundtracks. There’s nothing more fun than a cheesy sexy 60s era album cover, is there?

8. Nobody tries to sue you for making a CD-R burn of some old dusty record in your collection. They’d love to try, but the RIAA would get laughed out of court faster than Rod Blagojevich proclaiming his innocence. Nice try.

7. Unlike an MP3, you can shatter a vinyl record and use the pieces to gash somebody in face when they make fun of your pants.

6. In Shaun Of The Dead, the heroes tried to kill zombies using 12-inch singles. Try doing that with an iPod and you’ll join the ranks of the undead faster than a screaming teenage girl in a filmy white nightgown.

5. George Carlin comedy albums just plain SOUND BETTER on vinyl.

4. You can actually clean a record album with soap and water. You can clean an iPod by…BUYING A NEW ONE.

3. Stores with high theft issues should stock vinyl. You can hide an MP3 player in any body cavity. An album tends to stick out of the most obvious places. Painful, too.

2. Vinyl records are better than MP3s because you can play them backwards and get the messages Satan wants you to hear. Try doing THAT with a downloaded version of Ashford & Simpson’s “Solid as a Rock”.

1. When you get bored, you can safely microwave an LP, put it on the turntable and play it for laughs. Put an MP3 player in the microwave and it will explode. Need we say more?